Taos, New Mexico. Just the idea of it all ... that mystical, magical place. Imagine a luxurious spa nestled way up there, in a vortex that seems to be a spiritual hub on which a person can discover all the mysteries of herself, her past, her future, her meaning for being here.

And then again ...

It was beautiful. The drive up from the small airport at which we'd landed had been breathtaking. We'd driven through crisp air, desert landscape, shifting colors of mauve, peach and aqua. Or maybe that was my overactive imagination wanting this to work so badly that I was hyper with my wish to infect everyone else with making this perfect.

I'm bad that way. When I feel responsible for others taking a leap into the unknown with me, I always feel responsible for whether or not they have a good time. It's like it's my responsibility from then on out to make sure everyone has not even one single moment of negativity or one fleck of imperfection.

This trip had been Chili's idea ... a gift he made ... a gesture to us ladies who'd become friends by virtue of the whirlpool that was the Come On Inn. Well, some of us had been friends before Uma and Heather opened the bar, but our group didn't come together until then.

When he'd offered this trip, saying a business associate was the new owner and he'd get it all set up for us, I knew Chili well enough to know one thing: he wanted to belong to the group. He still wasn't quite sure what he was going to have to do to make that happen. His way of belonging was to do for us ... some people are that way. That's how Chili is. He needs to feel useful, if not in charge. He needs to feel that he is contributing to the success of a group endeavor.

He's not used to not taking over the inner circle. And he wasn't really too much closer to that within the hierarchy of the pub buddies, was he? But ... was that even possible? With men like Maximus, Terry and Jack -- such formidable leaders without even trying? With guys like Dino, Bud and John -- so clear-eyed about the kind of 'friends' Chili had?

I imagine he'd always known that his way toward that place he wanted, the place that would make him want to remain with our group, was going to be through the women. Besides, I honestly knew Chili really wanted the best for us. He wasn't a bad guy ... he just knew a lot of bad guys.

Heh. I'm thinking he's a lot like Jessica Rabbit ... she wasn't a bad girl; she was just drawn that way.

So I was chirpy. Chipper. Too much so. Uma told me it was too early in the morning to be so 'up' ... she said this that morning as we women had bundled up into the small private plane that Dino and Terry had arranged to whisk us right to the Taos airport.

It had been interesting that morning ... watching the women taking their leave of their men.

Okay, it had been interesting watching how I felt taking my leave of Max.

I was determined to be excited about the trip. I was shocked at how it felt to walk away from him. To turn back, my foot on the top step, about to step inside the plane and look back at all that I loved embodied in that one man standing silent, still and solitary. He didn't wave goodbye; I didn't either.

One week away from Max.

No biggie, right? He traveled often enough that I was not unused to separations from him. It's just that usually it was him leaving me. And ... well ... we'd always been on speaking terms before.

I was safely hidden behind my sunglasses.

My eyes swept over the couples out there saying their goodbyes. Hando with a huge scowl but still gently patting Scarlet's belly. Andy devouring Uma's face. Heather and Dino just holding hands; I could tell he'd just made some wisecrack to send her off with a smile and a light heart. John with his arm around Clarity, his nose nuzzling her hair. Bou reluctantly pulling herself away from Cort even as he pulled her knuckles up for a light farewell kiss. Zack trying to look tough even though Carol insisted on a few last words in his ear. Johnny and Erycina looking like they're about to slip off behind the hangar and have a last round to tide them over. Cassie and Lach laughing together. Jack putting Angel's hand on his arm as he escorted her to the steps; he looks so fine, Jack does. Gaia zooming up in a taxi at the last minute and rushing out toward us; I wondered why Terry didn't get out to escort her but then I thought maybe he was a bit indisposed in the taxi after a goodbye treat from Gaia. And then there was Bud and Marie ... well, after all, they're getting married, right? Wildie and East cuddling. Egan all gruff and Tulip enticing him into a sweet kiss ... he fools no one. Angharad cuddling Arthur and probably cooing in his ear.

Karen brushed past everyone, her head down, heading up the steps. I looked at her set face as she passed me and wondered where Jeffrey was. I looked back at Max. The air felt heavy. I wondered why we were pretending in front of all these people.

With that last thought, I turned from the early morning sunrise and entered the plane. There were six neat rows of nice leather-clad seats with plenty of legroom. Two couches along one of the sides. An attendant was standing there as I entered, holding glasses of champagne. I was carrying my flute as I wound down the aisle, thinking maybe I'd sit with Karen because she looked like she could use a friend. Esme was already aboard, chatting with Chili.

"Chili! What are you doing aboard?" I said, feeling myself jolt into the future.

"You didn't think I'd let all you ladies go off somewhere without being sure you were safely escorted there and back?" he said, all smooth and so cool. "Come sit by me, Annie."

I kept my sunglasses on the whole flight. So did Chili. I made a joke that I'd take mine off when he took his off. He just shook his head at me.

So we had our own private bodyguard. All of us. Let's see now ... Uma, Heather, Clarity, Angel, Marie, Cassie, Scarlet, Bou, Karen, Carol, Esme, Erycina, Gaia, Wildie, Tulip and Angharad. Plus me. So that's 17 women ... and one Chili.

I wondered if any of the men even realized that Chili was aboard the plane? Well, they'd know soon enough. If one of the women didn't let it drop next time she chatted via cell phone with her main squeeze, then Dino and Terry's flight crew would no doubt tell them about the extra passenger, right?

Well, anyway, we got on the plane, flew off, landed at a higher altitude than I was used to, and then a nice little tour bus drove us right to the resort that Chili's business associate owned.

It was incredibly nice. So serene. So beautiful. So far from civilization. So clean. Just so perfect.

Until just after we checked in.

They herded us into this celadon green room with pumice furniture and deep cerise accent pillows and buttery cream artwork on the walls. Two quite nicely buff men handed us herbal tea of some kind that they said was quite kind to our systems. Uma got them both to tell us their names ... Javier and Nick. She flirted with them; they loved it. So did I. But then, I figured this was her way of getting the rest of us in the party mood. She's good that way.

We were all getting settled in with our tea cups when some skinny, chiseled, tall, bald man came in and told us that there were very few rules but that each was important.

Rules? I glanced at Heather. We don't either much like rules ... I got plenty enough rules at work; I don't need any on vacation.

The bald guy says the rules are these: we must treat our bodies as the temples of our souls; we must give ourselves over to the staff who were there to help us reach our highest plane of self-awareness and health; and we must open our minds and hearts to the mystical experiences that would happen to us this week at the spa.

This spa, the bald guru says, has a unique philosophy based on Zen Buddhism, which is an awareness of our place within nature. I smiled indulgently at Chili, who knew of my own affinity for Zen philosophy and beliefs. The spa grounds, the bald one says, are luxurious and verdant, but also a spiritual haven in the mountain, and we must respect the ecology while we nurture our bodies, minds and souls here.

There were individual suites available to us all ... many of us oohed as he described how the décor was inspired by Native American culture as well as foreign lands, but that all the artwork we would find was done by local artists.

One reason the spa was so intent on keeping in harmony with the nature of the location was a spot there they called the Sacred Circle.

Now, the bald yahoo's voice was a very nice one to mesmerize some of us with his tale of how the Sacred Circle, a green space of 80-year-old cottonwood trees bordered by waterfalls, stone water sculptures, a wooden footbridge, a trout-stocked pond and an abundance of regional flora and foliage, was said to be a Native American Dancing Ground. He said the space was the most protected spot on the property and that it was a place to meditate, contemplate and open our minds to things that no one could explain, only experience.

That sounded like heaven to me. I visualized myself rising before the sun, going to the Sacred Circle to begin a Zen ritualistic chant to greet each day's arrival with a clean spirit.

And just as most of us were relaxing and thinking this might have been the best thing we'd ever gotten to do, Old Baldie lowered the hammer on us. The first example of how the spa's philosophy would be forced on us? We had to turn over all communications devices ... cell phones, pagers, laptops. Because we were there for a week of solitude, serenity and soul-searching.

Scarlet about climbed up his throat. But Bou and Clarity soothed her down. Carol looked decidedly queasy as she handed her laptop and cell over. She made a joke of it, about withdrawal from technology. Karen and Uma didn't seem too upset at the idea. I tried to be cheerful, saying quite nicely what a relief it was to have a great excuse not to answer the phone.

But when Clarity seemed a bit nervous turning hers over and when Marie said what if something happened with the wedding arrangements that needed her attention, well, Chili stepped up and said that he'd hold on to the cell phones and make sure that if any of us got critical phone calls, he'd come get us to answer them.

With that, we all rather settled down again. Chili smiled at us all as he took his leave, saying he'd be at the ranch next door with his friend, the spa owner. That he'd drop in every so often to see how we were faring.

And then Old Baldie started explaining the brutal regimen of the week. By the time he got to the part about scheduled exercise, strict diet, no alcohol, required yoga sessions ... and, I noted, never said a word about facials and luxuries and exotic massages ... well, if Chili had been in there, we'd have killed him, I think. Because Old Baldie told us that the regimen was set up specially to help us get ready for Marie's wedding and had been arranged specifically for us after consultation with our dear friend Chili. And, he said, there would be no ... nada, zilch, zero ... deviation from the regimen. The staff, he said, would keep us in line with a firm if loving hand.

We all glanced at Javier and Nick. They seemed to like the idea of keeping us in line.

"I'll fucking kill Chili Palmer," Scarlet said.

I think I gulped loud enough for everyone in there to hear me. I wasn't able to meet anyone's eyes as we split up to be taken to our suites to settle in before our exercise sessions would begin.

Inside my room, I unpacked. I knew Chili had arranged this specific suite to be mine; it was done in a Caribbean theme. After I changed into a swimsuit and sweat pants, I stretched out on the bed and stared at the deep ocean blue fan that whirred above my head.

The color reminded me of Max. Of his eyes. Of the color they took sometimes when he was troubled and didn't want me to know.

I am impossible, I thought to myself in frustration. I'm missing him in such a sad way. I'm worrying about facing him again. I'm about to die inside. Maybe it's good I'm here. I wonder why I left on the note I did.

So after a swim of too many laps and a two-mile jog along a path through sycamores, the next order of business was for each of us to meet with a nutrition counselor. Karen made some wisecrack about that being just a cover for the person who'd starve us into whatever we wanted to wear to the wedding. All I really hoped was that she'd feed me because I was starving.

Esme perked up at the mention of diets. Maybe a bit too much. She'd lost a bunch of weight by then. But I figured that was her biz. Right? Well, anyway, I've been through things that made me just stop eating before. So, with what she's been through with Cort lately? I more than sympathize.

I didn't mind the idea of losing a few pounds, I said aloud, still in cheerleader mode. A few others agreed. Some grumbled. I figured I'd change my tune when my stomach growled loud enough to wake me up at night.

But then my Nutrition Nazi told me the bad news: no alcohol, no chocolate, no preservatives, no toxins ... nothing but food that was good for me. No alcohol? What the fuck is a vacation without some level of intoxication? I'm from New Orleans ... it's the only way we really know to celebrate.

I passed Uma in the hall; I said I hated the idea of not having booze around for us to have any kind of hen party for Marie since we were all together. Uma seemed very serene. I suspected Uma had thought ahead about this possibility.

She would, too.

Within a few days, several people began muttering about making a break for it. I thought they were joking. But by then, the novelty of the spa forcing us to take good care of our bodies was wearing off for a bunch of us.

I was close to organizing a real run for the border. Bou said she'd check things out, figure out how we might grab a car to facilitate our escape. But then Cassie and Erycina mentioned seeing some men patrolling the perimeter when they were out running that afternoon. They said they asked a staff member who the men were because they looked so out of place ... dressed all in black from their slacks to their polo shirts, wearing dark sunglasses and with suspicious bulges.

"Suspicious bulges?" Carol said, her eyebrows shooting up. "As in evidence of groin worthiness?"

"As in they're carrying," Clarity said.

"Carrying?" Carol said, smiling. "Where'd you learn that term? From the Sheriff?"

"He does have a rather cute way of talking," Clarity admitted.

"Okay, all joking aside. Who are these guys carrying guns and patrolling this place?" Bou said.

Erycina said the staff member told them that they'd been told the men were there that week for our protection. You know, at first, I admit, I thought this was just one of the sweetest things Chili had done ... making sure we were all safe from intruders. But then Bou pointed out that it seemed a lot more likely they might have also been there to keep us in.

Well hell!

"We're prisoners?" Clarity said. "John won't stand for that."

"Of course, we have no way to tell him, do we?" Cassie pointed out. "They've got our phones and computers."

That night, Bou decided to check out the security ... to see if she could circumvent it. No dice. The next morning, I asked to see Chili and when he got there, I accused him of all sorts of awful things, with trying to hold us hostage ... and how that wouldn't work with Terry and Dino around, not to mention Bud and John and Zack ... and Max.

He said I was overwrought. I narrowed my eyes at him. Just then Bou and Marie came up. They are always suspicious of Chili. I decided to pretend I trusted him. No, I actually did trust him, I just didn't trust him very far. So Chili says the guys are there to keep us safe; that he didn't want to ever risk having to face the men we loved with the news that he'd let something happen to us.

But we're prisoners, Bou pointed out. Yes, Chili said, but you didn't want to leave, did you? And Marie said, well, no. That she was actually beginning to enjoy the regimen. That she had already lost weight and inches. That she felt healthier ... that she loved the facials.

Facials, I asked. I haven't gotten any facials. Marie said I just needed to ask the Bald One. I took off to look for him.

Funny thing was, that night at dinner as we ate our three bean sprouts and four cucumber slices, I think it seemed like a lot of the women were beginning to feel they were getting into this week of pure living.

So I figured ... power yoga, here I come.

By the next day, I found some sort of reconciliation to the pace of this place. I couldn't go anywhere; the goon squad might have been there supposedly to protect us, but they effectively made it impossible to go anywhere, either. I mean, there was gonna be no breaking away and going into Taos for an ice cream cone ...

Whew.

Ice cream.

It's what I was meditating on that morning in the Sacred Circle. There was a group of us there. Karen. Gaia. Cassie. Esme. Carol.

I like Zen meditation. No one knows when you're cheating except yourself. So the Zen Sadist from Buddhist hell couldn't tell that I wasn't concentrating on some higher purpose ... I was just trying to decide between mint chocolate chip and chocolate almond.

But sometimes, despite your best efforts, meditating really does free your mind to float on associations and you find yourself thinking around the edges of a problem that you've got to figure out even if you don't want to.

Being hungry and all ... I was still focused on food ... and then this image of licorice came into my brain. I saw a strand of black licorice. I felt myself smile. I heard someone chime a bell. It seemed the circle rose up to embrace me. A hand reached out for the licorice. The hand looked familiar. And the hand put the licorice in a mouth ... lips opened to take it in ...

My eyes blasted open.

Max!

I wondered where he was.

He liked licorice. It was his favorite candy. I determined right then and there to keep it stocked for him.

I looked around the circle of women. Gaia's face looked determined. Karen's face looked resigned. Cassie's face looked resistant. Esme's face looked like this wasn't tough enough for her. Carol's face looked like she was chanting inside to some internal Zack melody. Lucky her.

Just then, Karen's eyes opened and we stared into each other for this blank moment. She was troubled. I saw this vulnerable openness that I recognized ... it was the same one probably staring out of my eyes at her. We probably both shut it down at the same time, too.

"We're all alone, girls," Gaia said softly.

And we were. The Zen Sadist was nowhere to be seen. "If only I had a cigarette so I could break a rule," Carol said.

"If only you smoked," I said.

"A different kind of cigarette, perhaps?" Esme said.

"Now you're talking," Cassie said.

"What were you meditating on?" Karen said after a few minutes.

"Ice cream," I admitted and felt myself blush.

"Zack," Carol said and smiled.

"How far up Terry's backside my shoe would go," Gaia said and she meant it.

"Whoa!" Cassie said. "What is with men anyway?"

I happened to catch Karen's face ... she was looking for an escape. I kinda recognized the movement.

"I wouldn't really know," Esme said. "Me and men don't seem to mix."

"Is that all we do?" I said. They all looked at me. "I mean, we're away for a little ol' friggin' week and what do we spend our time doing? Obsessively thinking about men. Why do we do that? You think they're sitting around thinking about women? Nah, I bet they're thinking about work and sports and what they're gonna eat ..."

"Where their socks are because they're genetically unable to find their own underwear once a woman enters their lives," Carol said. We all giggled. Some of us more nervously than others.

"I needed a break from Lachlan anyway," Cassie said.

We all looked at her.

"I'm glad they took our phones. He'd be trying to reach me all the time. I am glad for the space this trip gives me frankly," she said, flopping on her back and looking up at the sky.

"I needed distance. To think," Gaia said.

"About what? Terry's great," I piped up because I wasn't really thinking. I mean, Terry is great and he's a friend ... but I ain't got no right to stick my nose in, do I? Ex-lover and all, right?

Gaia kinda bristled at that. "He is not Mr. Wonderful all the time if you need to depend on his word as a lover. A relationship should be based on trust."

"Oh." I glanced at Carol for help. She shrugged at me. "Gaia, do you need to talk about it?"

We all tried hard not to seem that we were pressing in on her. She was staring at the grass before her. Then sighed. Looked up at me with those open eyes that hid so much sometimes. "Let us just say that Terry Thorne needs to take this time to think about what's important to him in our relationship ... if he wants a relationship."

"You speak of trust ... is it ever wise to really trust a man?" Esme asked.

"Of course it is. With the right man. I believe it with all my heart," I said.

"Yes, well, you can say that, correct? Maximus ... must be nice," Gaia said.

I bit my lip. Felt in over my head. And I'm usually not so bad in women's conversations. "Max ... yeah. I trust in him. Never thought I'd feel that way about a man. But I do."

"Bet Maxie can be a tight-ass though, eh?" Cassie said with a smirk.

"He does have a tight ass," Carol said. "But then so does Zack."

She has this pitch perfect delivery for things like that. We all cracked up laughing. It's how the Zen Sadist found us. She shooed us away to lunch after a sound lecture on never attaining any higher plane than that inhabited by a sea urchin.

Lunch. Oh goodie.

More alfalfa leaves and sprouts and carrots and tofu and wheat pasta and herbal tea and that electrolyte replenishing drink.

I sat with Karen at lunch. Just the two of us at a table out in the sunshine. I finally just asked her. "You seem so unsure this week. Are things that bad back at home?"

"I care too much," she said.

"About Jeffrey?" I felt like I was pulling it out of her ... I know I should have dropped it ... but I figured if she really didn't want to tell me, she'd say so. I might not have known her well, but I felt such an affinity for her.

She finally nodded. I suggested we slip away, take a walk along one of the trails, see if we could dodge the Yoga Yahoos who made us sweat within about five minutes. Well, the fact they insisted on having the sessions in a room that was heated up to 85 degrees because they thought it made our muscles looser? Sheer meanness, I told Karen, don't let them fool you because they are trying to kill us.

Karen's been a lot more into the aspects of the regime that bug me -- the orderliness, the I-don't-have-to-think-about-what-I-do-next schedule, the inflexibility about petty things that probably matter but that make this much too restrictive to me. But then, I think I'm getting way too rebellious this week. Maybe it's a reaction to what was going on with Max before I left.

It took us getting out of sight of the buildings before Karen started telling me things. No real details, just more giving a sense of a relationship that she has so wanted to work only to find herself with the painful awareness that there were just no easy answers sometimes.

"I still really care about Jeffrey," she said softly.

"I know you do. And he cares about you. Anyone can see that."

"It's just so hard ... he wanted me to be open about things I didn't want to share. Then when I did ... well, now he can't past those very things."

"That's rough." It was the best response I could have ... just listening, having no real opinion, just an ear to bend.

She kicked along at pebbles on the path. We walked on a while longer. "I think it may be over," she said.

I looked off at the sycamore stand we could see off a ways. "Was it worth it?"

"Was what worth what?"

I stopped. She stopped. "I don't want to know the details. I don't. It's between the two of you. But what I meant is this ... if it dies between you, will it have been worth it to lose him just to have kept your secrets when you did?"

She frowned at me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was coming down against you. It's just that I've asked myself a similar question recently."

I had started the day serene in most respects. I think.

Maybe.

But somehow, the vibes of troubled relationships from the morning's meditation circle confab combined with the more intimate discussion with Karen ... so that by evening, it had gotten to me. A few days left at the spa and I wasn't forgetting that I hadn't come here on the highest of notes.

I'd come to make a point maybe. Maybe.

Or maybe I'd come because I was scared.

Or maybe it was that he'd been wrong to pressure me to not come.

Or maybe I'd been wrong to make it about him instead of just making it about me choosing independence as I defined it.

I didn't know anymore.

In yoga, they did the power thing ... that way they have of almost killing you in holding poses that give you too much time to think about other things as you try not to think about how something hurts.

You know what I thought about? I thought this: was it worth it? And I thought about this: did I want to fight with him? And this: did I want to be like the other women who were fighting, having troubles with their men instead of just being good together?

So ... was it worth it?

Was it worth it to stake my claim for self ... my assertion of independence? Or was it a bogus battle?

After yoga, they let us go to our rooms, freshen up for dinner, relax. Only I decided not to go along with the rules this time. Instead, I dodged the ever-hovering Javier and crept along the main hallway on silent feet until I found the administrative area. I heard no noises. I slipped into the first unlocked door and found myself in an office. I had no idea how much time I had.

I grabbed the phone and punched in his number. It rang four times then went to voice mail. I closed my eyes; felt my heart race. I loved listening to his voice even if it was recorded.

"Hi. It's me. I know you're gone. I know whatever you're doing, you're concentrating on work and not even thinking about me. But I've been thinking about you while I've been here. And I want to say I'm sorry, Max. I'm sorry we both got angry. I feel really badly that I left before we cleared the air between us."

I opened my eyes and imagined him, wherever he was. This is what got me ... it got me hard. My voice took on that timbre it does just before it shakes from deep emotion.

"With what you do for a living, Max, I just cannot believe I let us part on such a note. If something happened to you and that would be the last time we had spoken ..."

I paused to think of what to say, how to put it ... in the silence, I heard soft footsteps in the hall. If they found me, using the phone, I was violating this huge rule ... I've got this Catholic schoolgirl instinct to never get caught being bad ... In this big rush, I tried to finish the message and I could hear my voice getting increasingly rapid ...

"Max, they're coming and they'll find me and I'll get in trouble ... I just want you to know, I hate that our last words were a fight. I need you, Max ... Please call me. Please just call my cell and tell me we're okay. Chili will get me a message."

And just then, someone touched the doorknob and I slipped the phone back into the holder. The door opened. I was standing at the bookcase by the time Old Baldie came in. I doubt he was fooled into thinking I was really looking for a book on the role of crystals and the spiritual journey of Native Americans, but you never know. Most importantly, he couldn't prove I'd been on the phone, right?

I saw Chili the next day. He stopped by to tell Uma that Andy had called and that he'd wanted to know where the extra ketchup was at. We all just looked at Uma and cracked up laughing. She told Chili to tell Andy she missed him, too. But the way she said it ... it was like it really touched her that Andy had so wanted to hear from her that he'd made up this bogus, stupid reason to talk to her.

Before he got away, I latched onto Chili's arm. I asked him if Max had called me. He said no. I felt myself sink a little. Were you expecting him to call, Chili asked me. If he calls, you'll tell me, right, I asked Chili. Immediately, he said. And then he asked if he should call Max for me. I said no, absolutely not.

We were sweating through shakra aerobics, which is really just a bunch of ab crunches and lots of leg lifts all done with huge boulders on your belly ... okay, I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like ... when it dawned on me ...

Max hadn't called me because this was an even worse fight than I'd thought it'd been. And in his time away, he'd grown resolute in his anger.

I was sitting in the stall in the dressing room off the torture chamber they call the aerobic studio ... I was hiding out ... I was almost calm ... I'd convinced myself that it'd been some kind of loss of oxygen to the brain during the last crunch that had made me all goofy. I mean, come on, it was just a power play argument ... he wasn't going to end things with me over this surely?

Max had told me to stay and not go to the spa. He said we'd just gotten back from another spa, that he didn't want me to go away while things were so perfect between us. I said, don't burst my bubble. Chili convinced me to go ... he said I could call in sick, that he'd get me a legitimate doctor's note and that way, I could take off and still get paid because they'd be sick days, of which I had plenty. When I told Max I was going despite his "orders" ... that's when we let it escalate. I don't know ... maybe he hadn't meant it the way it came out ... for sure, I'm incredibly sensitive to anything that smacks of a man ordering me around in that way. And then he said he had thought "this time it would be different" meaning I was going to let him down like other women in this age had let him down ... it was like he'd shoved me away.

He said with his career, we'd see little enough of each other for me to start just taking off and leaving him when he was in town. I said, well, you were going to be off on business a few days that week anyway so why's it a big deal. He said it was a big deal because I was making it into one. I said I wasn't about to let him bully me. He said he simply wanted me around when he was there. I said I wasn't going to just be at his beck and call. He said ... well, it doesn't matter. From there, it made even less sense.

We were living together but we avoided each other after that until I left to go to the spa. He drove me in that morning to the airport and we never said a word except to verify when I'd be back. He said he didn't know when he'd be back from his trip later that week. I said fine.

So that was the last word I said to him. "Fine." Oh, and delivered in the perfect way to let him know I was anything but fine with him.

I winced when I remembered that tone of voice of mine. I jumped up, pulled my sweats up, put my hand on the door handle to leave the stall ... But then I heard other voices ... coming into the locker room ... walking into where the sinks were, right in front of where I was in the stall ... I heard one word and I froze ...

"You know Maximus. He'll be throwing his weight around before long, if not already," Uma said.

"I wouldn't have thought it was possible for any modern woman to put up with him for long," Carol said. "Well, it would have been impossible for me, you know?"

"It was quite impossible for me. I can assure you." Uma paused. I pictured her smug face. "I like modern men. Prefer them. But when it comes to sex ..."

"He can be ..."

"Oh, yeah. He can be ... but isn't that just the thing?" Uma said. "He is incredible in that respect. Could turn any girl's head. Even Ann. It's just kinda surprised me, really, that it's ... you know?"

"Once the novelty of sex wears off ... she's going to have it out with him," Carol said with this giggle.

"We should take bets on how long it will last," Uma said, that we-are-so-veddy-amused tone in her voice.

"He's too stoic. She's too modern, too independent."

I saw red. It was like this big paint blotch of red exploded before me ... and all I could think about was ... those bitches! How dare they!

"Okay, so he's great in bed but ... I mean ... even I get fed up of the legions marching through," Uma said.

From the looks on their faces, when I burst out of the stall, I was the very last person in the world they ever thought would overhear them.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I said to them. My voice was low but there was no mistaking just how furious I was. "Who the fuck do you think cares about what the fuck you may have to say about Max and me?"

They didn't say anything at first. Carol looked like she wanted to crawl under the floor. Uma narrowed her eyes at me.

"I should kick your asses. I know you got a grudge against Max, Uma ... but Carol, I thought you were friends with him. What is it? You think I'm not good enough for him or you think he's not good enough for me? You really think I'm in it just for the sex? Maybe that's what you were after ... just using him ... you're the kind of women who'd do that, eh?"

"This is not what you think," Carol said.

"Screw you, Carol," I hurled out, now really not caring at all. Then I rounded on Uma. "You know what? Is that why you're with Andy ... just for the sex? Because he's just uncomplicated sex for you? Is that why you like a younger man, Uma? Can't handle a real man who might answer back?"

Her face did these things ... and I knew I'd hit the mark. It's not like me to do that ... I'd like to think I'm not the kind of person to pick at a good friend's insecurity. So, guess I'm not who I think I am, right?

But before she could answer me, Karen walked right in the middle of it. "Hey, now. Come on. There's nothing to be gained in all this ... we're all friends here, right?"

"Yeah, friends. That's a laugh," I said. "These two girlfriends of mine are taking bets on how soon Max and I split up. Isn't that nice of them?"

"Ann, that's not fair. We were just joking around ... you misunderstood ..." Carol started to say.

"I didn't misunderstand anything. I was standing right here and I heard you," I said. I looked at Karen. "How would you feel if you heard people talking about you and Jeffrey that way?"

She winced. I felt bad, knowing the problems they were having, but I just needed an ally.

"Well, I may be with a younger man, but at least I don't have to carry little blue pills in my handbag for those nights when he can't manage it," Uma said primly.

"What the hell are you implying?" Karen said, her hands on her hips, rounding on Uma. "I will have you know that when it comes to sexual matters, Jeffrey leaves not one thing to be desired. That has to be the nastiest thing I've every heard a woman say to me."

"I wasn't actually speaking of Jeffrey ... but if the pill fits," Uma said.

"Give me a break!" I shouted. "You can't one second make snide comments about Max's incredible abilities in bed and then the next put him down like he's some old fart needing Viagra. You can be such a bitch. No wonder you two never made it."

"Ann, that's enough. Just calm down," Carol said.

"And you! You tried a few out before you got to Zack, including Max. What is it ... Max too much a man for you and that's why you're trying out Zack now?" I said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Carol said. If she'd been a man, she'd have been rolling her sleeves up and getting ready to pound me into the ground.

"Ladies ... please! Don't do these horrible things to each other."

We all turned at just that moment to see Clarity in the doorway. You know, if there's one person who can make you realize that you're standing in the middle of a woman's bathroom screaming at your friends ... and that you actually aren't that sure what it is you're fighting about ... which is foolish and stupid and horrible ... it's Clarity.

I looked at us. The four of us ... me, Uma, Karen, Carol ... we were in this circle, all of us with our hands on our hips, all so defensive. And I bet we all looked just as shocked.

"Ann said that Andy and I are only about sex," Uma said quietly.

Clarity looked at me. 

"Yeah, but, Uma and Carol said that Max and I are only about sex."

"But you said I was settling on Zack."

"I didn't mean that, Carol. I didn't. Honest. You know how much I admire Zack and surely you know how great the two of you are together," I said. I looked at Uma. "And I don't really feel that way about you and Andy. You know that, right?"

"Well, someone said something nasty about Jeffrey ... didn't they?" Karen said, getting this half-smile. It broke the tension, the way she said that.

"No, actually. But he does need to lose weight," Uma said.

We all kind of half-chuckled. Like we weren't sure but ... maybe ... was this the fight ending?

"Uma, compared to you, everyone needs to lose weight," Karen said.

"She's far too skinny for our good," Carol said.

"Maybe Andy likes boys?" I said. "Small tits, you see?"

"Low blow, Annie," Uma growled.

I looked her in the eye. "Not nearly as low the blow you made, Uma. Do you really think Max and I won't make it? That the differences are too great?"

"No. Actually, I think just the opposite. So does Carol ... but if that's the first thing you heard, you came in on the middle of the discussion. We were just being silly."

I turned my face from them and took deep breaths to lock it all back inside. The doubts. The insecurities. The concern. I hated fighting with anyone. And here I was fighting with friends on the cusp of apologizing to Max for fighting with him.

"We had just said ... Max and you are making it ... We both rather thought he'd never give what he's giving to you ... we just had always thought it was impossible for him with a modern woman ... but the reality was that he just hadn't been with the right modern woman yet," Carol said.

"We were wondering how it worked when it hadn't worked for us," Uma said softly.

"That's so ironic," I said, my voice getting that horrid shaky thing it does when I'm not crying ... yet. "I'm not sure what I'm even doing with Max. Maybe it won't work out after all. You have any idea how scared I am?"

I told them about the argument with Max, the test of our strong wills. And as it was coming out of my mouth, I heard what I said and I couldn't believe it ... then they all kind of chuckled and said if that was the worst fight we ever had, we'd be so lucky.

It was really a silly fight between Max and me. It was the kind of fight, Karen said, that happens when a couple's trying to figure out the give and take of a relationship. I just looked at her when she said it and wondered ... how would that kind of revelation moment impact her own troubles with Jeffrey?

"But we all worry about those kinds of things," Carol said. "It's so fragile, isn't it?"

"This place is not easy to balance with so many emotional ties interlocked," Clarity said. 

"You all share a history," Karen said. "It's hard being the new person. I am not sure I even have the right to an opinion on any of this."

"Or maybe you just need to be filled in on all the gossip on all the shenanigans and experiments that happened before you joined us," I said.

"We could do that. You know what we need right now? To get drunk together, like guys do. Just drink a bit and dish some dirt ... and put this behind us. However ... as we are locked up here and there is no liquor to be had ..." Carol said.

"Oh, but there is wine. And chocolate. And other luxuries that are so bad for us," Clarity said.

Oh my. Yes, it was Clarity who'd seen the stash of naughty food and drink. Old Baldie and his staff ... they hid the good stuff in this back room off the kitchen. Probably there for the staff Christmas party, Carol conjectured. Or maybe we hadn't bribed good enough, Karen said.

In any event, I plead guilty ... very guilty ... to being the one who suggested we go raid the stash and have us a real party. I needed to have something like that happen ... I needed the release of being a bad girl, of committing a sin with my friends, of bonding after a fight like that when things were said that you couldn't take back. Things you might not have really meant literally, but things that you'd think back and wonder ... wasn't there always some truth to them?

We didn't make Clarity go with us. We sent her to gather the other women in Uma's room ... because Chili had for some reason arranged for Uma to have the biggest suite.  We figured this was the perfect night for the closest thing to a hen party we were likely to have at the spa.

Meanwhile, Carol's former life as a Marine was put to good use. Uma's ability to think deviously was also put to good use. Karen's willingness to go for the outrageous was never handier. And my own ability to brazenly go where I felt had the right to go and my willingness to break the rules when I thought I could, well, that did us some good, too.

By the time we made it back to Uma's suite, we were armed with wine, gin, soft drinks, chocolate bars, chips and cheese ... not exactly gourmet, but it was heaven to women who'd had no toxic substances in their bodies for four days.

We got rather sloshed rather quickly as a result, I might note.

Well, those of us who were drinking did. Scarlet, obviously, was not drinking. Bou passed on it. And then Angel did.

Marie made some joke about whether Angel and Bou had caught Scarlet's case of pregnancy and that this was why they weren't drinking. Bou smiled and I suppose we all pretty well had already guessed. But then Angel just blurted it out ... she'd just found out and Jack was over the moon.

"Of course, now, his tendency to treat me like a fragile flower that needs protecting is just going to get worse," Angel told us. Several of the women bit their lips. I think we all knew what she meant ... darling Jack! "It's not funny. It irritates me, even though I understand that he's only behaving according to the time and culture he came from."

"It's becoming a baby factory around the pub. Remind me not to drink the water," I blurted out. There was like this collective intake of breath. "Oh! I didn't mean ... I mean, I'm happy for you all ... and all. You know?"

But, you know, for those of us who were drinking, it seemed some barriers were down. And opinions? Everyone's got one. It's when you feel safe to admit them, even knowing you might be the minority, that's an interesting experience. I think something about that shared week together, without the men around, had somehow produced a level of honesty that maybe only women ever really experienced.

Here we were ... most of us pretty involved with a particular man. And one of us was getting married, several having children, others finding themselves facing decisions they hadn't anticipated ... but then we had the other extreme as well. We had Esme of the ill-fated if soul-stirring love affair with Cort ... and we had Karen, reeling from a recent blow up with Jeffrey whose heart was taking it tough. Then there was Gaia, on the serious outs with Terry but still very much in love. Who ever knows what really goes on in a relationship?

"Things have changed," Heather said. "It's rather interesting, isn't it?"

"It's the nesting that's begun to get to me," Carol said. I have to say ... I wasn't the only one who nodded. But there were others who sat up straighter. "The whole thing with marriage and babies. I can wait awhile for that scene."

"But you want it eventually, don't you?" Erycina asked her. 

Carol shrugged.

Cassie piped up into the pause to say, "I'm not much impressed by marriage - but I'd be willing to give it a go with the right guy. Someday. Just not now. You know what's funny, though? I've thought about this because I just know I'm going to probably cry buckets at Marie's wedding ... but I don't see that I'd wish for a traditional one like that. It'd be great fun to run off to Vegas or maybe marry on an exotic beach somewhere ... don't you think?"

And several women spoke up almost at once. It was such a fun noise. Like we'd just been far too quiet all week. And now? Now we just gabbed away. Something occurred to me ... it must be normal for women to think about getting married someday. To have an opinion of the kind of wedding they'd want. To maybe even dream about the dress, the flowers, all that. I never had. I looked around and wondered if anyone else was like that. I am so odd that way.

On the other hand, I noticed Karen for sure wasn't saying much.

"Marriage?  Got to have a man first....  Kids? Do Jeff and Paul count?" I heard Esme telling Heather.

"I've never been interested by marriage before. My freedom was too much important for me," Clarity was telling Bou, Scarlet and Marie. "I felt insecure when Marie and Bud announced their engagement because I thought John being a family man would want the same with his woman, and I was not ready. I was not sure I was the right woman for him, not being really what can be called a family woman; not being sure I would be a good mother."

"Do you still feel that way?" Marie asked her.

"Now? Mmm. I will never tell him anything about this and still am not very sure about this, about what I want... but with him, everything seems possible. And, although I don't like the idea of hoping for him to ask me the big question someday, when he's ready, although I'm having hard time to admit it... the idea is less alien to me... very less alien. I may even may like it...if it's what he wants... someday." As Marie squeezed her hand, Clarity added, with a bit of heat you don't normally hear from her, "But ... I don't want us to get 'used' to each other. I want it to stay an adventure of each day; not something you get comfortable into like in an old shoe. I'd hate that, at this time of our life."

I got up to refill my wine glass. I was standing near the door. I thought I heard footsteps and pressed my ear against the crack. I couldn't really hear that noise again so I figured it must have been air conditioning or a hoot owl or something. And why the hell did I worry about anyone catching us? We were all adults, right? Screw 'em. They owed us a night to let loose.

"I want a marriage like my grandparents have," I heard Scarlet say as the noise level inside the room died down a bit. "Almost 62 years of marriage and they still hold hands, still kiss. My granddaddy will still pat my grandmama on the butt and she'll blush and say, 'Oh George.' And then she giggles. He takes care of her and she takes care of him. You look at them and know they love each other...they are truly one. I want to grow old with my husband and sit on the back porch with my children and grandchildren and tell them, 'no, stop that.'  I want a houseful of kids, boys and girls, one hanging on my leg and one at my breast always."

"My God, that would be hell to me," I said. Everyone laughed ... I wonder if I was slurring my words? Or maybe they just weren't used to my smart mouth? "I've never even considered getting married. Much less having kids."

"Never?" Uma asked me.

"No," I said. But she was looking right at me, and she knows me well enough to know when I'm not saying it all.

"I used to think that," Uma said softly. Everything in the room grew quiet. She shifted nervously, drank off the gin in her glass, shrugged at us before saying, "I have this desire to be a wife and a mother. I don't know where the hell it came from but it's here."

"You? Uma, you're the last one I expected to want that!" I said.

"Well, I do. And you know the bad part? I'm scared I've left it too late physically," she said. "And I also might have frightened most men off. But Andy ... I am surprised to hear myself say it, but I realize I want the sort of normal life of partnership and children. But I'm with a man so much younger than me, a man who hasn't yet really explored life. And my childbearing years are decreasing and I think Andy will not want children for years yet...by the time he does, will I let him down?"

"You aren't that old. To bear children, I mean," Bou said. "You should have a frank discussion with him. Let him help make the decision."

"And then there's the whole other notion of Andy, isn't there? I am more than a little worried for him because I believe he ought to have a gentler and more traditional woman than I am," Uma said.

"He loves you, Uma. And frankly? If he's man enough for you to love, then he's man enough to have the ability to know what's right for him. So I figure, if he says you're right for him, then he knows what he's doing," I said. I reached out and poured her another slosh of gin.

"I'm bad for men," she said, almost like she wanted to pick a fight with me.

"Why? Because you've been through some?" Heather said. "That's what it took, isn't it? We learn from the failed relationships. That's the best we can do. And then we try harder with the next one if we're smart."

"And so what about you, Heather?" Erycina asked. "You and Dino seem so together. Marriage coming, you think?"

The thing about Heather is, she knows how to dodge with the best of 'em. She smirked, sipped her wine and then said, "Well, I got the love I want... even if I could cheerfully strangle him half the time..."

We all laughed at that. Dino! How he'd crack up to hear that, I imagined. Before anyone could get Heather back to answering the question about marriage, though, she turned it around by asking Erycina how she felt about marriage and children. Erycina's so young ... sometimes, I wonder if I was ever that young. I know I couldn't have ever been that wistful and open. And from what I can tell, she's so good for Johnny, my buddy.

"I would expect that some day I'll meet a man who'll sweep me off my feet and marriage will follow," Erycina said. "As for kids? Well, I won't have them until we've been married at least five years so, that way, we really know each other and we've had time to enjoy being alone together playing. I figure by then, we are also more apt to make raising a child a joint project."

I bit my lip. Looked at Bou. Wondered if she was thinking like I was ... about how when you're young, it all seems easier somehow to think you'll live your life by logic and plans. Still, it was a good plan that Erycina had, I thought to myself. Five years ... actually, it made a lot of sense.

"I want to get pregnant right away now that we'll be married," Marie said. "Bud is already in his late 30s and he has been eager for a child since shortly after my miscarriage. It's not that he'd ever pressure me ... but ... you know? He's ready now and I know it. So I want to do that for him."

"Having a child should be something you both want ... I sense you have a few qualms. Are you doing it only for him?" Wildie asked her.

Marie shook her head and bit her lip. "It's only the timing, that's all. I'm only 22 ... and I have a bit of trepidation after the miscarriage even though I know the odds are that a second pregnancy will be fine. But ... if it were only up to me, then I'd be willing to wait a while. I want a baby for Bud more than I want a baby for me at this particular time. He's ready now, you see, and I've decided that I will be, too, despite those few misgivings."

"He's a lucky man that you put his needs above yours," Scarlet said.

"I feel as though I'm the one who's charmed to have him love me," Marie said. "And I do look forward to having his children."

"Children ... I have a colleague who always is amused by how my cooing over other women's children gets worse when I ovulate. When that happens, she says she worries that I will throw away my contraceptives and have a child on my own because she knows there is a part of me that wants this soon. She worries it will ruin my career if I do," Tulip said with a wry laugh. "I love my job, more or less. I don't want to sit at home all the time... but ... You know, maybe that sounds corny ... but I really want a family with a dog, living outside on a homestead ... in peace. The man and the dog I already have. Now how do I manage the rest? And how do I manage to still work a bit?"

"Oh, God. The eternal questions! Balancing career and family," Cassie said. "Lachlan is trying to make me into a 50s housewife and I just don't know how to explain that I can never be that kind of woman. The differences between us are not becoming easier to handle for me."

"Don't let a man change what you want," Esme said firmly. "Do you know what you want?"

Cassie leaned back against the couch, looked at her for a moment. Then seemed to make the decision to just share this. It was becoming apparent to us all, I think, that for every woman in there, there were answers but sometimes it was the wrong questions that were asked. And we weren't all answering the questions the same way ... and that was actually rather nice. We were learning a lot about each other ... gaining comfort in a new way with telling secrets we might have kept locked up for a lot longer without this chance for release.

"I can see a day when I want marriage and maybe even a baby or two. But that is far off. I want to pursue a career, have fun with Lachlan, see the world, simply enjoy my life," Cassie said. "And it's hard sometimes to think that the reality is, if what we each want is so different, how can we sustain a relationship for life?"

"Wouldn't it be nice if one of us actually had the answer to that in our hip pocket?" I muttered. Uma nudged me ... quite hard, I might add ... in my ribs.

"What about you, Wildie?" Tulip asked. "You've been so quiet. You and East are so lovely together ... any plans?"

"Tried it once and it was all bad," Wildie said as she gazed down into her wine, trying to be nonchalant and not really totally succeeding.

"All bad? You mean marriage? But what about kids someday," Cassie asked her. "Maybe that'd appeal to you more?"

"I can't have any," Wildie said. And yet again, dead silence in the room. I felt tears in my eyes. There was just something about the abrupt and brutal way she'd said it. Like it mattered. Like there were issues here none of us could maybe fathom.

"Does East know?" Uma asked gently.

"No. And I am a little afraid that one day East will leave me for someone who can," Wildie said.

"Man, that's a hard lot in life," Scarlet whispered.

"But if he loves you? Don't you think he'd not leave you over that?" Marie asked.

"Life isn't always fair. And sometimes love isn't either," Esme said. "Better she see this with her eyes open than get broad-sided."

"He's a good man," Wildie said. "He gives me the things I need to know I'm loved: security, trust, confidence ... but this issue of children, it does worry me. Some day, depending on how things go for us, I'll have that discussion with him, I imagine. Until then, I don't want this to go outside this group. Okay?"

And so we agreed that nothing that was said that night would leave the spa.

"Nothing will be said?" Gaia suddenly piped up. She'd been so quiet ... just lounging over on the bed, sipping her wine, listening for the most part ... giggling every so often at one of us, sighing in agreement at other times.

"We swear it," Clarity said. "Tell us what's troubling you so, Gaia. We've all noticed even though you've thought you were hiding it so well."

Gaia does nothing in half measures. She took a deep breath, narrowed her eyes ... and whatever issue was really going on with Terry, I think she relived it just then. "He asked me repeatedly to put my trust in him. And then, when I was able to do it, he then betrayed it."

"Terry? Terry Thorne betrayed your trust?" Heather asked. "Are you sure this isn't just a misunderstanding between you?"

"All I know is that I don't know what I can expect from life anymore," Gaia said. I felt badly for her. It's tough to be disillusioned. She sighed. "Some things have to be sorted out between us. This time apart ... I hope he has used it wisely. As I have."

What can you say? Oh, wait. We're talking me and my smart mouth, eh? Well, I can always be counted on to lower the discourse whenever there's an awkward moment.

"So if none of this leaves the spa, why aren't we discussing the really important thing?" I said. Everyone looked at me. Had I grown horns? "You know what I mean. Let's dish the men. C'mon. Don't look so shocked, Bou. Tell us something about Cort. C'mon. You can do it."

And this is what we found out in this gathering:

Clarity said "Big John" gets rather tired of the "well fed" image ... and he's been making a lot of hay about how good he looks in the tux he'll be wearing at Marie and Bud's wedding. When we all said "awwww," she said she loves him just the way he is: sporty, muscular and good looking ... a man perhaps even more beautiful on the inside than he was on the out.

When really, really, really pressed ... Bou would not say shit about Cort. Well, except that he's someone she can share her solitude with and someone she isn't in competition with, but feels equal to.  We gave her sound raspberries for that one ... well, some of us did; Marie loved it. So did Scarlet. Okay, maybe it was only me and Carol who razzed her.

Tulip told us the shocking news that Egan was a chauvinist! We were aghast ... not a one of us had ever noticed. She blushed when we got sarcastic over that and then blurted out that the real problem was that she liked this about him! That she would never have accepted that from any man but Egan's gruff ways and occasional dominance of her was ... well, appealing for some reason. And she also told us that she still harbors a resentment toward some woman who'd once hurt her Egan ... and that she has this occasional twinge that maybe he still longs for that woman. We assured her that Egan did not consider her second best ... he's gaga for her, in that way he has that's uniquely him.

Wildie spilled the beans that East is much more into decorating the house than she is ... that she's not very "girly" that way. Okay, I admit, I giggled over that. Then Scarlet said very matter of fact that she and Hando still make love every night. Being pregnant definitely has its advantages, she told us, then just grinned. And didn't say anymore. How dare she?

Uma had already admitted her insecurity about the age issue between her and Andy; but she also said there could be more issues regarding her previous experience with men, especially those drawn to the pub. She said she was also a bit insecure over the fact she's a very incompetent woman in the domestic sense and then Andy is such a good cook... Then when Heather egged her on by saying well, at least Andy's good for something ... then Uma sat up tall to start bragging on his sexual prowess. Okay, I probably wasn't the only one who threw a pillow at her when she started in on his youth and physical ardor and the amount of very X-rated sex they have. I didn't think we'd get her to shut up. And Esme should be ashamed for asking her to tell us more.

Erycina, who'd probably drunk way too much by this point, said that Johnny hadn't really experimented with more adventurous sex but that he does seem to like the idea. I pretended to be very interested in the contents of my glass when she came out with that. It was very surreal for me. On the other hand, there's something to be said for being able to be that open.

Carol said that Zack is often otherwise distracted by work stuff that she knows is important when, even if it's selfish, she wants him to be focused on her and what she is saying or doing. His timing sucked at times; when he was ready, she was not - when she was ready, he'd be off in his head somewhere.

For some reason, I kinda made a joke at first ... I told them that although I hated the amount of traveling Max did, there was something to be said for the intensity and vigor of the first sex of reunion. And then I admitted the real truth ... that I really disliked his tendency to try to order me to do things he wanted ... like not coming on this trip ... and then pouting when I had another opinion.

When it was her turn, Heather said that Dino was her sugar daddy ... and when several of us shrieked and told her that was horrid, she just chuckled because I think she does love winding us up.

"I wonder what the men are doing right now," Marie said. "I bet they're all at the pub, playing cards, drinking ..."

"Maybe they've taken Bud out for a bachelor's party," Uma said.

"If we had our phones, we could find out," Bou pointed out.

"They can make it one week without us," Heather said. "What's one week?"

"It's seven lonely nights," Erycina said with a heavy sigh.

"He'll make up for lost time," Carol reassured her. "I know Zack will."

"Oh, quit bragging," Esme said. "Only men I've got missing me are Energizer and Eveready."

"Speaking of those particular men ..." Uma said.

"Let's not!" I said.

So we didn't. Angel changed the subject to home improvements and how Jack had mentioned his plans to do some renovations ... and that she kinda hoped he waited til she got home. Well, that started a whole conversation on the sheer possibilities of what Jack may decide to come up with to add on to and modify their place. Bet you're shocked to know that some ideas were rather obscene.

Before I knew it, I was nodding off. Too much wine after too long without ... too many days of working out and eating right ... too many nights spent worrying about whether or not Max was all right and if him not calling me back meant something really bad or just medium bad.

By the time I left Uma's room that night, most everyone else was gone. I don't honestly even remember laying down in my bed. I must have fallen to sleep before I came in contact with the mattress.

I dreamed of Max flying in the sky. I dreamed of Chili lighting one match after another and flicking them out over a cliff. I dreamed of chanting and meditating as the sun bore down on the Sacred Circle and lit it orange. I dreamed of wolves running across the desert, howling at a full moon.

In the morning, I mentioned the dreams to the Zen Sadist when we met for meditation. I asked her if she thought they meant something. She said they meant I'd drunk too much the night before.

Well. I guess that meant our little party hadn't been such a secret after all. I dreaded what they were going to do to make us pay for our transgression.