To be perfectly honest, he intimidates me. He's such a capable sort of man - you simply cannot imagine anything ever throwing him off his stride or catching him unawares. He must have seen it all in his time, done it all too probably, and, although he is a really great bloke, witty and charming, clever and urbane, I always think he must regard me as a bit of fluff ball. He must be used to sophisticated women with witty conversation and elegant poise, not a glorified barmaid with a crush.

That's me. The barmaid with the crush, I'm ashamed to admit. I always fancy the blokes that would never look twice at me - why is that? Sod's law, I suppose. You can always tell, if you know me well, though. When I act all moody and exasperated with a man, then that is when I am really carrying a torch for him. I just hate to think that the object of my lust might actually find out. So, I pretend to dislike him. I am a very contrary woman  - is it any wonder then that I never get the ones I want?

I'm not sure how it all started really. There had been a lot of good-natured banter recently among the men, fired on by my jokey scoreboard results. Everyone had been teasing Terry when Jack started to pick up so much attention from the ladies and kept winding him up about losing it with the ladies. Frankly, Terry had nothing to worry about - and he clearly knew it- but he still faked a 'rivalry' with Jack, which amused everyone. Next thing we knew they were challenging each other to a wager and the women were the prize.

I guess when you think of it, it seems a bit tacky now to be putting on the charm and trying to win over a woman just for the sake of winning a bet. Neither man meant it to sound as if he were just making a fool of the woman - it isn't the style of either of them - but as they are both highly competitive men, they play to win. Of course, when everyone else piled in and Jeff started running his book, there was suddenly a lot of 'honour' at stake and the whole thing began to get a little dirty.

And that's before the women began to make their impact when tension started to run even higher.

It shocked me no end when Jack nominated me for Terry's target. I suppose it was just another example of the captain's tendency to miss the obvious in shore life. Everyone but Jack knows that I am not Terry's type and that we generally exchange nothing but sharp retorts. Or was that the point? Jack knew Terry would find it hard to be charming to me and that I would refuse to take any notice of his approaches. He is a master tactician after all. Terry obviously nominated Clarity for Jack because he hoped that she would resist his blandishments as a point of pride (even though I know she adores him really) and, of course, she is so smitten by John Biebe that she has eyes for no one else these days.

But when I heard my name announced, I can't pretend I wasn't secretly pleased. My heart did somersaults. Fancy having Terry turn on the charm full blast in my direction? Even if he didn't really mean it, I thought, I could stand the experience for a while. Not that I would make it easy for him, though...

Then I wandered into the Powder Room. I know we shouldn't have been listening in but when I heard Terry's reaction next door in the Men's room with his little crew of Aussie boys, plus the turncoat coat O'Leary himself... I put my ear to the hole in the wall and:

"Fuck! Dino, mate, this is a crisis. I need a response. Aubrey's got me by the short and curlies, the bastard. Bail me out, mate...any ideas?"

So I was a crisis, was I?

"Sweet Jesus, old man, the shit you get yourself into. Am I really gonna have to bail you out one more time? At least you came to the one man who just might help."

Sometimes he gets on my nerves, smarmy git. "Let's think this over. You can try charm. For some reason, most ladies seem to think you can be charming when you want to be. But I somehow think Uma's impervious to your so-called charms. She's been back-talking ya since the Pub opened. Not exactly your biggest fan, is she? And no bribes? Man, that was your best bet. You coulda got her baubles, nice watch, flowers, money ... it's all you had going for you...Hey, let's ask young Dom and Hando to talk strategy... Uma seems to like them. Maybe they'll have some ideas of what works with her..."

At that moment in walked my two previous conquests. I could see it coming - and it didn't improve my mood one bit.

"Hey lads, this is between us, right? I'll have your balls if any of this gets out. You with me? What's said in the room, stays in the room...  I've got this little thing going with Jack. Sort of bet. Involves Uma. Just give me a hand here...seems she's taken a shine to the pair of you. What is it? She like grease monkeys and tattooed head cases? Whatever. Tell me this...what did you say to get her frisky, you know? What works for the Iron Lady?"

The Iron Lady? What gets her frisky? The arrogant bastard! Dominic, of course, opened his sweet mouth and put his foot right in it. He'll be lucky to get lucky again with me...

"I just offered her a full service on the house...that seemed to get her going...and going...Jesus...she's a bit scary when she gets going, mate. You sure you're not too old for the excitement?"

Hando sneered and took a leak noisily. "Uma? Easy meat, mate. I just showed her my..." Actually he had done. Out in the car park - and there is no answer to that. Especially not when you realise where he is going to put it next...

Terry pulled a face and shook his head. "OK...I get the picture. No need to spell it out. So you expect me to whip it out and wave it at her in the bar in full view, do you? Hardly charm personified, mate. Don't you think that a tad on the obvious side?" 

I was pretty gutted. He was just aghast that is was me he had to woo and was almost ready not to even accept the challenge, even if he had kept up the pretence so far in public. That really hurt.  He was so desperately unsure how to chat me up that he even had to ask the likes of Dominic and Hando for advice- hardly renowned for their smooth operator style. Terry Thorne must find me a singularly unattractive woman.

So I put on my tough cookie face, refusing to let my true feelings out and stomped back to the bar, promising myself that when he next spoke to me then I'd be ready for him...

"...When you're ready, Uma...another pint, please. Take your time, I can see you're busy. Don't know how you do it, love. Working behind that bar day and night, everything running like clockwork, keeping a firm hand on this lot, always ready with a helping hand and a friendly bit of advice...not to mention the ready wit and sparkling good humour...And you still manage to look like you just walked off the pages of Vogue. What a woman!" Terry sparkled with his usual smarmy charm. I was on him like a Rottweiler.

"Here's your pint!" I banged it down on the bar top. "Sorry...did I slop it on your sleeve? Clumsy me! That the best you can do, Tez? Doesn't even get close...so back to the drawing board. Why don't you ask Kim Barrett or Zack for some pointers? Even they have more charm than you do...And that will be two quid, please. I have a business to run..."

He had smiled when I'd slopped beer all over his arm and didn't rise to my bait, instead handing over a large note and saying; "Keep the change." I hope he didn't think he was going to bribe me with big tips. Thumping the correct change down in the puddle of beer next to his pint, I retorted: "I think bribery's against the rules of your wager, mate. What's your problem? Thought you never paid for it?"

Terry raised his eyebrows but said nothing, still smirking quietly to himself. It made me feel uneasy. He looked like a man who had no concerns whatsoever about his ability to win me round. That just made my blood boil. He thinks I'm a soft touch? He thinks I'm so sad that I will grab at the chance for a specimen like him if he offers it on a plate? Think again, smart arse!

Meanwhile, Jack was launching into a really effective broadside. He was holding the bar enraptured by his account of his childhood at sea; there were women dabbing their eyes all over the place - the other guys looked sick as pigs. You've got no chance against the captain when it comes to pulling at the heartstrings. He has it all in his arsenal: tales of bravery against overwhelming odds, spells of unfair imprisonment and cruel treatment both at the hands of the enemy and his own countrymen, terrible injuries which almost claimed his life several times, loneliness and longing in his months at sea and far from loved ones, the untimely loss of friends and comrades, the pressure of command and the responsibility for the lives of others that he never shirked, the curse of a father who was an embarrassment, a hindrance and who never loved him, financial hardship, the very danger of his chosen profession...but, the story most inclined to resonate within a woman's breast was the account of his miserable childhood and early years at sea. And he laid into that one with gusto until there was barely a dry eye in the house.

Unfortunately for him, it was Clarity who seemed exceptionally impervious to his charms. Marie had even deserted Bud's side (that alone is a surprise in itself - the pair are besotted with each other) to hold Jack's hand and give him comfort. Ann, ostensibly a spy in the British camp, had momentarily forgotten her allegiance and was practically hanging on his every word. Gaia was in attendance, visibly moved by his plight and ready to jump on in if Clarity was to falter. So he had his supporters and the betting suggested that even the men knew a charmer when they heard him in action.

But Terry wasn't put out. Nor was Dino, who appeared to be enjoying every minute of this and, if his swagger was anything to go by, reckoned that his 'boy' had it in the bag. I just kept on serving and pretending I was above it all.

Until...

"I've a confession to make, Uma...got a minute...?  Somewhere this lot can't hear everything we say?" He indicated the far end of the bar near the kitchen entrance; I followed him there truculently. "I think I've made a big mistake here. I don't mean to try and set you up. You don't deserve it. I'll pull out of the challenge if you like. Let Jack win. They'll give me a right old bashing but at least you won't be made to look a fool. It wasn't about that, you know? I wouldn't ever say anything to a woman that I didn't believe.... I meant what I said. Honest. So, should I tell Jack I concede defeat and that Uma is too much woman for me? Or is there any way I can prove to you that I really do find you a very intriguing woman and this is not just some scam..."

I was quite taken aback by his remark. He looked so plausible and kind as he said it and for a moment, I blushed and simpered in a manner quite unlike me; he recognised the change and gave me one of his boyish, bashful looks back. I thought I had never seen him look more appealing.

And then I caught Jeff and Lachlan's helpless laughing and the tail end of Jeff's comment:

"Fucking class...she's like a little puppy dog eager to please...tongue hanging out..."

"Lucky, lucky, lucky...!"Lachlan gave a dirty laugh and grinned at Cassie who shook her head at him.

So, I was that obvious, was I? So Thorne was playing me for a fool, was he? We'll see about that...

I walked off on the pretence of having to serve someone else but in reality to give myself some thinking time. I breathed out slowly. He had sounded so sincere and his face had been so gorgeously contrite and his eyes so limpid and intense... but the reaction of the other Aussies worried me. Then I got an idea...let's see just how keen he is on me, before I commit too far, just in case...I returned back to where he was leaning over the bar, following me closely with his eyes.

"Sorry about that. Just a little something I had to sort out. As for what you said...don't be too hasty. I'm not such an ogre, you know? I don't want you to lose face in front of all of them, really I don't.

So...let's do a little deal of our own. If you can impress me that you are genuine in your desire to put yourself out there for me, I might see my way to looking more kindly on your suit. Here's the juice. You work here in the bar for a night and give me a hand in keeping this lot entertained? What do you say? Fair deal?" His lips flickered in a smile, his tongue peeked out. He was pleased with that and I could see his guard was down. He thought he had won me over. But just as he opened his mouth to answer...

"Wait...before you answer. I don't mean behind the bar. I've got enough bar-staff today. I was thinking more of the entertainment side. Something to spice up a Saturday evening?  Male stripper. The girls will love it. The guys will be impressed. And you could charm the lot of us without even opening your mouth, mate. Up to you. That's the offer on the table," I smiled cheekily at him, my eyes dancing. His face closed down in an instant to be replaced by glacial cold. Of course I was on an roll so, instead of heeding the warning signs, I just sailed right on...

"Just remember, Jack's only got to stand up in those breeches and his charms are pretty obvious. Time for desperate measures, I think, Terry, me old mate?"

He leant off the bar and straightened his shoulders, his mouth drawn up in disapproval. "Let me get this right? You want me to get my kit off here in front of this crowd?" I nodded, beginning to get a feel that he was not exactly pleased with me. "Exactly how does that prove I'm a man of dignity and honour enough to win your hand?"

I blushed and tried to say something but he held up his hand and went on: "I meant what I said before. I'm prepared to do quite a lot for you, love, but I think that's a step too far, even for me. I'm not a piece of meat, Uma. I'm a man. I've got feelings, too, and some things are more important to me than winning a bet. Like keeping my integrity. And my pants on in public." He slung on his jacket aggressively. "I think I'll call it a night then, love. Seems like you've made your mind up about me. Either I'm a sleaze ball or a stud. I think I'd rather Jack called me a coward at the moment than I proved you right. I'm sorry. I think we could have been good for each other. Rather naive of me, perhaps?  Catch you later, OK?"

He stood up, drained his pint in one draught and thumped it back decisively on the countertop before walking out. There was a frisson of excitement throughout the room, a hushed silence falling, and then suppressed titters of laughter and comments behind hands. I was mortified. I had made such a fool of myself. Tears pricked my eyes and I just thrust a bar cloth into Lachlan's hand and rushed off in the direction of the ladies, praying that I might get a bit of space to compose myself.

I was so ashamed. What must he think of me? He was engaged with a gentlemanly game of courtesy with Jack, a Reality TV-type challenge of the crassest kind. Come on, Terry, shows us your dick! All I want from a man is a life support system for an erection. I'm a shallow, trashy, brainless modern girl- the type you are tired of meeting and who have already broken your heart countless times.

The thing is - I'm really not that sort of person at all. I just give a very accurate impression of such a vacuous kind of bitch. Frankly, I expected the other girls to be cross with me for my request. Terry had looked so wounded when he had walked out and you know what that face of his does to the average red-blooded female. But, they are a great crowd and they kept their opinions to themselves, mopping me up with a box of Kleenex and clucking around like mother hens. They told me to put a brave face on, go out there are show them all I didn't give a toss and anyway, Jeff was sure it was just his next gambit. He does that all the time to put the opposition of their game Scarlet said she had called his bluff before he left - did he think he couldn't match up to the younger guys? I was overcome by the solidarity amongst the girls.

I wasn't convinced, being sure that I had gone too far for once, and aware that a fine man like Terry Thorne must have a limit to his good nature. He was proud and I had asked him to humiliate himself. But, the show must go on, so I restored my game face with the help of my posse and Lancome and then strode out back to the bar as if nothing had occurred.

Things settled down and everyone was very kind and behaved themselves. Jack seemed to have decided that he ought to give Clarity some thinking time after his total bombardment, so he also bid adieu and left. One by one the couples slipped away and even the unattached decided they had had enough excitement for one night and made their exits. Jeff helped me clear up the last glasses, we shared a final shot of whisky when we both commiserated each other about our inability to get the required message across to the opposite sex, and then he checked everything was locked before leaving through the front door and telling me to make sure it was bolted. He's such a sweetie and always worries about me if there are no guests staying over.

I looked about me at the silent bar, now in semi-darkness, and recalled the images of the past evening. Wildcard and East on the floor, lost in each other's eyes as they danced up a storm, unaware that there was even anyone in the place but themselves. Maximus and Angel in deep conversation in a dark corner, stealing the odd kiss and leaving before anyone had even noticed. Gaia and Zack, throwing out smart comments but their eyes soft and their dreamy smiles belying the barbs. Lachlan with his arm casually thrown around Cassie's shoulders as they chatted to Jeff - you could tell they were perfect for each other already. Jack holding the attention of his table with his stirring tales, Stephen shaking his head when Jack had become too self-indulgent or began to run away into exaggeration. Marie and Bud sitting close, his hand stroking the base of her spine as she idly ran hers round his waist to slip her fingers into his back pocket - they cannot be prised apart at the moment. Scarlet and Cort also ended up together by closing time, she leaning against the wall while he towered over her, smiling down and exchanging soft words. I remembered the looks exchanged by Clarity and John - where she is lively and sharp with Jack, she is sweet and gentle with the sheriff.

And then I thought of Terry, that little grimace as I threw my sarcastic comment back at him and the frown on Dino's face as he realised that Terry would not be shifted on this one. As if I ever believed he would.

Why had I said it? I had known he would never stoop so low...

Just then there was a tapping as the door, a metallic sound as if someone had used his car keys to drum up attention. I went over and shouted out: "We're closed!"

"Hey...Uma...come on...open up..." It was Terry Thorne. "I know you're closed.... Want a word with you...come on, open up...you want me to have to talk through the door? I just want five minutes of your time..." He seemed very insistent and I was intrigued. I also wanted to try and make amends for my earlier mess up.

Whilst I was reaching for the high bolts, he went on:  "...I think I was a bit hasty before...that's it...pull those bolts...good girl..." The door swung open and I stood there looking at him leaning on the lintel. He rolled his eyes and tried a hesitant smile "Hey, you okay? Did I upset you?" I shook my head and stepped back to let him in.

Terry entered and extended his hand, pointing to the bar. " Why don't we sit down here, I'll get you a brandy and we'll sort it all out, hey?

He pulled out a stool for me and then he went behind the bar to pour two large snifters. He went for his wallet to pay; I shook my head and whispered. "On the house, Terry. I owe you."

He smiled a half smile and carried the drinks over, rejoining me and pulling up a stool close. Sitting down, he joined his hands thoughtfully and tilted his head to one side, surveying me. "Did I upset you? I was a bit of dickhead, wasn't I? Sorry, but you threw me there. I'm a cocky bastard, as you know, and I don't like it when someone turns the tables on me. That's unfair."

"I shouldn't have asked that of you - it was pathetic," I replied.

Terry shook his head. "That's where you're wrong. I was prepared to use any trick at my disposal - why shouldn't you? You wanna know why I bristled? I was embarrassed and, yeah scared. I couldn't hack that scene. Didn't have the guts to pull that one off - and they all knew it. I didn't like that one bit in front of the rest of them. You did good, Uma, as I knew you would. Played me at my own game - and won. All's fair in love and war, ya know?"

I smiled. "You sound like Jack!"

"Naw...he'd have said 'All's fair when you break the eggs for a pudding...' or something..." We both laughed. He is such a naturally entertaining man with a charming wit and ready tongue. Ready tongue. I forced myself not to imagine what his tongue would feel like if he...

"You tired, love? You seem to have drifted off a bit," Terry's voice and hand on my shoulder brought me back from my erotic reverie.

"OH! Sorry...no, not tired...why are you here, Terry? Just to apologise? Because if you are, then you don't need to. It's me actually who should be the one saying sorry..."

"...Not at all. I went home and then I...got to thinking. How much did I want you to look kindly on me? Enough to sacrifice my Mr. Smooth image? It didn't take me long to realise that I wouldn't be much of a man if I couldn't take the heat for a girl I really like. And I do, Uma. I really like you. I know we've had our ups and downs but...for all my legendary 'cool', I'm sometimes a bit blind at what is staring me right in my face..."

"You said Fuck!' when you found out it was me!" I reminded him. He blushed slightly.

"Who told you that? Never mind...I said that because I didn't want to simply make it look like this was a joke for me. And I never thought you liked me much...even if I was carrying one of my usual torches for you. Story of my life..."

I suppose my mouth must have dropped at that. He leant over and placed a soft hand on my chin to raise it and close my mouth. "So...I decided to bite the bullet. I've done more embarrassing things like that in my time, love. I went home, changed and drove back. Then I bottled it. I've been sitting in my car outside trying to raise the courage to come in here and do my little act for you." He stood up and took off the overcoat that he was wearing; I had thought it rather heavyweight for the time of year. If my mouth had fallen open before, it hit the floor now. Terry was standing there in camo pants, army issue black boots and his signature black vest. He looked a little self-conscious. "They say most women go for a man in uniform - and male strippers are usually coppers or squaddies, aren't they?"

I clapped my hands to me face in shock -and glee. "You were going to come in here, dressed like that and strip for me while the bar was still full?" I screamed.

"That was the general idea. Except I chickened out." He shrugged, standing there with his hands on his hips like my best fantasy come to life. Actually that is exactly what he was, come to think of it.

"And now?" I whispered softly. "Why are you really here now?"

He grinned. "Private show? After hours. That brandy's given me a bit of confidence..."

I giggled. "You can't win the bet, you know, if no one knows you're here. I'll never admit to this. You know I won't. So what's in it for you?" I challenged.

He laughed out loud. "What's in it for me? These boys not been treating you right, sweetheart? Let's just say that I will be quite happy to concede defeat and let Jack sail off into the sunset with his prize. I'll have already won mine. And it will be worth every sacrifice...Now...get that jukebox on before I change my mind again...What do you fancy?" He pulled a black beret out of his back pocket and arranged it jauntily on his head. "I was thinking 'You Can Leave Your Hat On...' Work for you?

"....So...He did it. Here in the bar. Right there, Ann, just where you're standing. Struck up a pose and let rip. I think he's done it before, you know. He even made unlacing those boots of his an erotic act. Then off came the vest - and his muscles spoke for themselves. Then to his pants- he played with his zipper like a pro until I was roaring - and then off they came. And this commando was commando. I tell you, I fell off my stool at that point."

"Then he strutted over, bold as you please and started on me. Stood behind me, grinding his equipment against my bum while he undid my blouse as sensually as you please and eased it down my shoulders provocatively. Before I knew it my jeans were round my ankles, my bra had hit that light fitting on the wall behind you, Scarlet, and there I was wearing only a pair of thongs - and a very big smile."

"He picked me up in his arms and threw me down ...there in the booth - you know...the one you and Bud are so attached to, Marie. Bud may think twice about sitting there in future after what happened on the upholstery last night. Tell him not to worry, though. I used a good fabric cleaner for the stains this morning before we opened..."

"Just a minute...there they are..."I bent down and retrieved a small scrap of silk from beneath a table, blushing. "Er...my knickers...we looked for them last night...well, not for very long, we didn't. That was just before he threw me over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and ran up the stairs. He's got amazing stamina..."

"You're trying to prove that you and Terry spent a dirty night during which you had congress all over the bar and then adjourned upstairs for another enthusiastic session? You and Terry Thorne? The guy you once told me you wouldn't touch if he were the last man on the planet? No can do, catin. Proof of life...you know the drill...so does he. No proof. No deal," Ann waved her finger at me. The others laughed and looked sceptical. I shrugged.

"Believe what you like...I don't care..."

"Hi girls..., you seen my singlet, Ums? I'm gonna catch my death like this, ya know?" Terry wandered into the bar, wearing only his camos, a rather swarthy growth of stubble, his hair damp from the shower and barefoot. I threw the black vest across from where it was lying over the back of a chair.

The group of women stood open-mouthed. Terry seems to have that effect on us, doesn't he? He smiled, pulled on the garment and then strolled back out of the bar towards the stairs to my apartment. "I'll be off then, go home and get changed. See you later... and if Jack comes in, tell him he just lost a bet, hey?

I blew him a kiss. He winked. The women sighed.  

As Terry ran back upstairs, Jeff sauntered in. "That Terry's car? He here already? He told me this arvo he had it in the bag..."

"Arvo?" They all shouted at once. "He told you THIS ARVO? What were you doing chatting to him this ARVO when he and Little Miss Fibber here were allegedly locked in mortal combat?"

"What did I say?" Jeff held up his hands innocently.

"I did not LIE!" I protested.

"How much did he pay you?" Ann insisted.

"PAY ME?"

"...To pretend he'd won you over, I mean, keep your hair on!" she replied and the heated discussion went on...

So there we have it. I believe Terry won. Jeff says otherwise - but then might that be something to do with what he stood to lose if Jack didn't pull it off? Would I lie to bolster Terry's ego? Would he have faked it with me and actually sneaked out of bed to call Jeff and boast of his conquest? Is there any chance that Jack may have pulled a flanker on us all and his early withdrawal last night might have been a tactical one while he regrouped somewhere else with the beautiful Clarity whose 'she's not impressed' act was not impressing me for one moment...So many permutations here. Is anyone playing it straight?

And are we actually anywhere nearer a solution than when we started on this one, guys and gals?