Gaia

The vein was beating. Fast and steady. Nothing was disturbing its internal course. Standing in the darkest corner of his room, Gaia was watching her son sleep. He looked so peaceful, wrapped in the T-shirt that Leon had bought as pyjamas. It was written above of what seemed like a sun "Nice" and under "Guy". Nice Guy. That made her smile. She felt the emotion grip her heart and then go up to her eyes. One of the many pleasures she had been denied. How much she had missed those small instants when time stops and parents think: "Look at him... isn't he the most beautiful child on earth? And he's my son or my daughter..."

It seemed centuries to her since she gave him life. During the last four years, she hadn't stopped being a mother. And she knew that she'll always be one no matter what would happen in the future. But she had had stopped thinking about all the little things that a day is made of when you have a child. The waking-ups in the morning, the breakfasts when you are coming out from sleep and still groggy and navigating in the kitchen asking your child to put his elbow out of the table and sit properly, the clothing ritual when you try to remember the weather forecasts and if you have to clothe him warmly or in the contrary, with shorts and t-shirts, the lunch when he doesn't want to eat the vegetable purée you cooked with love for him to have his vitamin dose for the day, the energy he spends in the park when you only want to seat on a bank and read the day's newspaper or have a talk with a friend you meet, the cartoons he watches after the bath to calm him down before supper and finally the sleeping rituals with the story, the glass of fresh water on the bed table, the kisses, the "I love you"', "Don't turn the light off...I'm scared of the darkness".

 

And the swelling of your heart when, after a tiring day, you come back in his room and that he's asleep.

 

All these feelings were turning inside her like a carousel and she was feeling so joyful and yet so sad. Joyful for having her son with her again and live all those little moments that life usually brings. Being able to hold him, touch him, watch him and smell him. So sad because of the distance that was between them now. She was his mother. He was her son. And that was pretty much all. The bonds were to be rebuilt, the rituals to be re-invented because, she had to face it, he wasn't six anymore and was certainly approaching the ungrateful pre-teen state. Nothing could bring back the lost years. It was very difficult for Gaia to accept that fact. There would always be this gap of four years in her son's life that will never be filled. They were literally starting from scratch more from the emotional state than material belongings.

The reality that Yasim had been able to pour lies into Luca's ears for so long was working against Gaia and it would certainly take her a lot of time and desperate energy to be able to make Luca understand what had happened. But time she had. And energy too. And the promise to Terry that they would build something new and strong and beautiful and joyful on the ashes of the awful times they had been through.

 

Terry. It may be awful to think that the happiness of having her son back with her wasn't whole without the man she loved by her side. Very often, she had imagined this very moment. But not one time wasn't Terry beside her, watching her blood, her flesh peacefully sleeping with his "doudou" secured between his forearm and his cheek. Come to think of it, maybe she wasn't to have both joys that a son and a man you love bring into life, she thought. Maybe she couldn't have one without saying good-bye to the other... She and Terry still had to talk as they couldn't do during the retrieval phase. Was there anything to save from the love they once shared? Nothing was more uncertain. It was possible to love two persons at a time. And both with the same intensity. They had lived extraordinary times together. And Gaia had enjoyed every second of it. But she wasn't one of those women who could wisely choose to close her eyes and settle with a man whose heart would always be balancing between two loves. It wasn't that she didn't love him enough. Oh no. The experience of the last years, even as painful as it had been, had helped her to know who she really was and what she wanted from her life. One sure thing: she wanted Terry to be happy. And God help her, she was ready to accept that it could be without her in his life...

The sigh that escaped her mouth disturbed Luca's sleep. It was time to leave the bedroom, no matter how hard it was. Luca needed space and time to adjust when Gaia only wanted to never stop holding him again. She had to fight the strong desire to sleep in his room, in his bed with him between her arms. Gabrielle was sleeping close to her son. She turned her head to where she was laying and sent her a silent thank for the steadiness, the rock she had been and still was in Luca's life.

 

 

Jamie

"He sleeping?" Jamie Farrow drew deeply on a cigarette, leaning against the wall of the corridor on the first floor as she exited the bedroom.

"Yes...sleeping. I think I will lie down too...if you'll excuse me..."

Gaia slipped into her own room and closed the door quietly. Jamie had an urge to follow her. He hadn't heard her turn a key in the lock. Maybe she wanted him to. The woman was giving him mixed signals. She was screwing up his head.

Sometimes he thought he could see her looking at him in a way that did not give him much doubt what was in her mind. He knew women. He knew that most lusted after his muscular honed body. They were turned on by his coarse rugged good looks and his earthy manner. Jamie Farrow was a bit of rough to most women and that suited him just fine. He wasn't looking for love and would run a mile from commitment. It had no place in the life of a man like him. No woman would seriously put up with him anyway - and he wasn't planning on changing just to keep anyone sweet.

There were other times, however, when Gaia seemed to close down on him completely. He wasn't used to women like Gaia. Most of the ones he slept with were pretty, empty-headed and a lot younger than he was. She was a woman of his own age, obviously highly educated, sophisticated and not the sort usually given to a quick bang with a world weary ex-soldier.

Unless his name was Terry Thorne. And he doubted there had been anything quick about the bang they had shared. Thorne wasn't the type for casual meaningless stuff, you could tell. He'd had enough of that in his past. Gaia was still in love with Terry as well, you could tell that easily enough too. He wondered what had gone wrong? Not that there was usually a need for a reason. Love was an illusion. Men and women had little in common. Men like them, anyway. Desire was physical for them, emotional for women. How the hell could that ever be reconciled once the first flush of passion was over?

He shrugged and leaned off the wall, deciding against knocking. He didn't want his face slapped by her. Nor was he sure he wanted the complication that messing around with the boss's ex-bird would probably bring. Men were funny about things like that. Thorne might have finished with her but he wouldn't like one of his men sniffing around his patch. There was that competition thing going on, like alpha dogs. Is he bigger, better in bed than me? If you don't know the bloke then you can dismiss it - but if you do...?

No way would Terry Thorne want to find out he'd made a move on her. The rule book would be thrown at him if he did, no doubt. His job might be on the line. It was a good job, too, a great company with unusually high levels of back up and support, compared with the rival shops. And it paid well. Top whack. He'd be a fool to jack it all in for a bit of pussy.

Running down the stairs, he hit the lounge and helped himself to a belt of Scotch, stubbing out one cigarette and lighting up another. Leon was in the room, watching television. He looked up with a baleful stare.

"She said no? Wise girl. What would she want with a bastard like you anyway?"

Jamie scowled and emptied the glass. "You take first watch. I want to... sleep..."

 

 

Gaia

How could she reconcile a child with the truth when the only thing he ever knew had nothing to do with the truth? 

Although she had had a few glimpse of how his father had arranged reality to suit his version of the story, Gaia could only guess what the other lies were. Luca had lived in a misogynous environment long enough to have caught the bad habit of treating women like half human being. But what worried Gaia more was that Luca had been educated to despise the western world and hate its decadent women. Will he even let her explain her side of the story without doubting her sayings because of her western woman state?

Gabrielle entered the kitchen with small and tired steps. It seemed to Gaia that she had aged during the night. Gaia's life had changed but what to tell of Gabrielle's? She had chosen to betray her son, agree to have her grand-son given back to his mother, and leave all her possession - and she only had 30 second to make her decision. It was a brave one but it had dramatically changed the course of her life. And there would be no possible turning back. For that, Gaia would be eternally grateful for the choice that she had made that night in Algiers.

"Laisse-lui le temps. Ca va aller, j'en suis sûre. Le pauvre garçon, il est tout retourné." ("Give him time. It will be OK, I'm sure of that. The poor boy, he's turned upside down"). Gabrielle's hand came to rest on Gaia's arm in a soothing gesture. Gaia smiled and took the woman's other hand in hers. None of them could talk, their throat constricted by the emotion. So many things had happened that should've divided them. What will be her life now that she had lost everything she had cherished? Could she rebuild herself and start a new life, away from Algiers? There was no doubt that she couldn't go back to Marseilles where her son and his cousins would be looking at her first. She certainly would have to change her identity and hide in a foreign country until her last breath...

"Merci. Merci pour tout." Gabrielle nodded and smiled shyly. "Je n'ai fait que ce qui était juste, Gaia. Yasim est mon fils et je l'aimerai toujours. Mais parfois il est du devoir d'une mère de prendre ses responsabilités et de se mettre en travers du chemin de son fils s'il s'égare..." ("I only did what was right, Gaia. Yasim is my son and I will always love him. But sometimes, a mother's duty is to take her responsibilities and put herself across her son's path if he wanders...")

They quietly sipped the mint tea Gaia had prepared. They talked about England. Gabrielle admitted it was the first time that she had ever set foot on this island and how much the nature's greenness was stunning her. Gaia joked about "if it's green it rains" and how sometimes it could rain for many days without even any intermission. They also talked about Luca and his love of soccer that Yasim had systematically crushed because only Koran studies were the proper activity to have before his eyes. They laughed and sometimes cried together at some memories of their respective lives. This emotional moment bound the two women like never before.

"Toi et cet homme que tu aimes allez construire un vrai foyer avec Luca. Un jour, tu verras, tout cela ne sera qu'un mauvais souvenir." ("You and this man you love will build a real home with Luca. One day, you will see, all of this would only be a bad memory...") her voice was clear and so full of certainty that it pained Gaia to tell her that she wasn't any longer with Terry. In the beginning, Gabrielle was shocked to learn that the man with whom Gaia was so desperately in love with had been the man who had come to get them. Then she understood what had driven him to take these risks: true love.

"Il t'aime, Gaia. Seul un homme profondément amoureux peut faire ce qu'il a fait pour toi...pour nous." (He loves you, Gaia. Only a man madly in love can do what he did for you...for us")

"Oui, peut-être qu'il m'aime..."Gaia didn't want to say too much but she had to explain the situation nevertheless. "C'est une situation délicate et compliquée, Gabrielle. Disons que je ne suis pas la seule pour qui il a ces tendres sentiments et que je ne peux pas continuer à vivre avec lui pour cette raison. Est-ce que cela fait de moi une femme intolérante ?" (Yes, maybe he loves me... This is a delicate and complicated situation, Gabrielle. Let's say that I'm not the only for whom he has those tender feelings and that I can't go on living with him for that reason. Does that make me an intolerant woman?")

Gabrielle shook her head. "Bien sûr que non. Mais cela pourrait n'être qu'une passade. Ne soit pas trop dure avec lui. Tout le monde peut faire des erreurs... Je suis peut-être d'une autre génération que toi, Gaia, mais je sais qu'un homme prêt à mettre sa vie en danger pour une femme et lui rendre sa raison de vivre est un homme qui l'aime plus que tout. Tu en connais beaucoup de ces hommes qui auraient fait ce que Terry a fait ?" (Of course not. But it could only be a fling. Don't be too hard with him. Everybody can make mistakes. I may be of another generation than you, Gaia, but I know that a man ready to put his life in danger for a woman and give her back her reason for living is a man who loves her more than anything. Do you know many men who would've done what Terry did?"). Actually no, she didn't.

"Tout ce que je peux te dire c'est: ne le juge pas. Laisse-le venir à toi, parlez. Vous trouverez bien une solution. Tu l'aimes, il t'aime. Cela n'a rien de compliqué pour moi. Parfois il faut savoir fermer les yeux et accepter ce que la vie nous offre, Gaia. Et elle t'a offert une occasion unique de tout recommencer. Attrape-là et ne la laisse surtout pas filer... Tu as Luca maintenant, c'est vrai. Mais une femme a besoin d'un homme. Tout comme l'homme a besoin d'une femme. Un équilibre...tu vois ?" (All I can tell you is: don't judge him. Let him come to you, talk. You'll find a solution. You love him, he loves you. This is nothing complicated to me. Sometimes you must know when to close your eyes and accept what life offers you, Gaia. And it gave you the unique occasion to start a anew. Grab it and don't let it go... You have Luca now, it is true. But a woman needs a man. Just like a man needs a woman. Equilibrium, you see?) Her two hands turned palms up toward the sky, Gabrielle made the movement of an imaginary balance.

Gaia smiled at this strong woman who still believed that there was hope even in the most desperate situations.

Hugging the woman tightly Gaia whispered: "Tu es une femme formidable, Gabrielle, et la maman que j'aurais rêvé d'avoir. Merci pour toutes ces perles de conseils. Je ferai de mon mieux avec Terry même si je ne peux pas te garantir que cela va aller. Maintenant c'est le moment que j'aille voir Luca. Il y a un certain nombre de choses qu'il doit savoir. Même si cela sera très difficile pour lui à comprendre et encore plus à accepter...". ("You are a wonderful woman, Gabrielle, and the mother I would have dreamed to have. Thank you for all those pearls of advices. I will do my best with Terry even if I can't guarantee you that it will be OK. Now it is the time for me to go see Luca. There's a number of thinks that he must know. Even if it might be very difficult for him to understand and even more to accept...").

 

By the gap of the door, Gaia observed Luca drawing on the window glass using the condensation and his fingers. An old trick that she had taught her son on their car glasses during the trips toward Tuscany when none of the toys in the car were enough to overcome his boredom. Gaia had decided several times to take Luca and leave Yasim and his time-consuming job to drive to a small hotel in Viareggio for the week. After a few days outside Rome and its polluted and noisy streets, they were in the best shape drive back on the Fridays evenings to spend the week-end with Yasim. Softly knocking on the door, Gaia made her presence known and entered the bedroom. Luca didn't even turn his head to acknowledge her and he went on blowing and drawing on the glass.

She made his bed and folded several clothes that were lying on a chair. She sat on the floor, her back resting against the bed and started to speak without even trying to enter into a conversation with her son. With the simplest words, she explained to him what had really happened. Leaning on several memories she hoped her son would recall, she tried to make him see how they had been distorted to make him believe what Yasim wanted.

"C'est vrai que je suis partie, Luca. Cela est la vérité. Mais ce qui est un mensonge est la raison que ton père a donnée à ce départ. Il t'a dit que je ne t'aimais plus assez pour rester avec toi... c'est faux. Je suis partie pour te protéger, aussi incroyable que cela puisse paraître..." (It is true that I left, Luca. This is the truth. But what is a lie is the reason that your father gave you for my leaving. He told you that I didn't love you enough anymore to stay with you...this is wrong. I left you to protect you, as unbelievable as it seems...")

Several times during her speech, Luca had briefly stopped his occupation. It was evident that the version of the story he was hearing for the first time was disturbing him. He had to reconcile the two versions and find a way to accept that his father had used his mother to achieve his own goal: have a free way to educate Luca the manner he wanted in order to match his beliefs.

For several minutes, Gaia sat there in silence. She gathered her wits before she told him, the voice broken by the emotion, about the video and the fact that she had been the cause of his beating because she wouldn't submit to Yasim's will. And it was the sole reason why she had never tried to reach for him since that dreadful moment, too scared for Luca to face Yasim's wrath again.

"Ce que je viens de te dire est très difficile à entendre et encore plus à accepter, Luca. Et je comprendrais que tu ne veuilles pas me croire. Pourtant, c'est ce qui est réellement arrivé... ("What I just told you is very hard to hear and even more to accept, Luca. However it is really what happened...").

Gaia stood up and headed toward the bedroom door "...c'est tout ce que je voulais te dire. Jamais je n'ai voulu ce qui est arrivé. J'espère qu'un jour tu comprendras que tu arriveras à me pardonner... Je t'ai toujours aimé plus que ma vie, Luca. Et les personnes qui te disent le contraire mentent." (...this is all I wanted to tell you. I never wanted what happened. I hope that one day you'll understand and then you'll come to forgive me...I always loved you more than my life, Luca and the people who tell you the contrary are lying."). With heavy steps she left the bedroom and softly closed the door behind her. The relief she felt submerged her at once. Leaning against the wall, Gaia closed her eyes for a few seconds, thanking the mighty force above for having had the possibility to finally tell him the truth. Now the ball was in Luca's court. He had a long path to make by himself and Gaia would be by his side to help him. Although as much as she loved her son, she couldn't walk that path for him.

When she opened her eyes, Gaia saw from the corner of her eyes Jamie at the end of the corridor. "Everything OK?" he seemed genuinely concerned.

Moving away from the door to keep Luca from hearing her, she approached Jamie "Yes. Everything's fine. It's just..." Gaia stopped talking. In spite of the fact that she didn't want to share too much detail of her private life with Jamie, she felt the need to confide in him. She was so tired of being strong...

"I'm very good at keeping secrets, you know" he crossed his arms in a defensive manner.

"Sorry... I didn't want to upset you. It's just... I was wondering if Luca and I would be able treat me like his mom one day. He's always so defensive toward me... he must hate me so much...and you know the worst of it?" Jamie shook his head no. She went on "I understand perfectly why... I would hate my mother too if she had done what I did to him..." Angry tears started to fall and before she could wipe them, his fingers where removing the moisture from her cheeks. Strong sobs soon started to shake her body and Jamie did the only thing he could think of: he opened his arms wide. Gaia accepted the tender gesture and crawled into his embrace. And damn, it felt so good...

 

*******

 

Why should she feel guilty of wanting to feel comfort and tenderness? Wasn't her love story with Terry over? Yes, she had been the one ending it. And she was even ready to take the blame for it. But as she was walking toward Jamie's room, a nasty feeling was nagging at her. The truth was that she wasn't over Terry. Not at all. Not the least. And that was driving her crazy. It was eating her every minute of every day in fact. This man had been the lover and the friend she had been craving for. He had been the contradiction sent to belie the fact that she thought she would never be able to love and been loved in return. Terry had instantly understood how to go round her defences without ever trying to bent her to his will or manipulate her. He had been rough when she had wanted him to be. Tender in the most unexpected ways, surprising her at the oddest moments. Yes, he was a secret man and it was sometimes unnerving and frustrating being unable to pierce him. But she had long learned to accept this side of him. Just as he had accepted her flaws. They had been on the same tune, knowing what could make the other laugh or the buttons to push to hurt the other instantly. They hadn't used those buttons on purpose. They even lived together in relative harmony, for heaven's sake!

Gaia hated the part of herself that was desperately clinging to those feelings. It was weak and pitiful when she wanted to feel strong and powerful. Without knowing consciously, it was exactly where her biggest weakness laid: she could decide on a whim the contrary of what was good for her just to prove to herself that she wasn't weak enough to be touched by her failure with Terry. But she was conscious that she had failed at giving Terry what he had been able to give her: he had brought her more than she had been able to bring him... In a sense she was punishing herself by falling into the arms of an attractive but she knew also shallow man. Wasn't it all she could ask for? Wasn't it what she deserved? Because this she couldn't screw up. Jamie and Gaia would take the exact thing from the other: sex for the night.

Jamie's door was slightly ajar. She was about to knock when she noticed he was sprawled on the floor and working out. Terry would do that too when something was bugging him but couldn't do anything at that moment. It was a way to burn out the negative energy. Blocking Terry's memory, Gaia looked at Jamie's nude torso shimmering from his sweat and the soft bed lamp that was casting a warm but discreet light inside his room. The door was keeping her from seeing the lower part of his body, slowly leaning, she pushed the door. At that moment, Jamie turned his head and caught her looking at him. "Hi. Did I disturb you?" Gaia did her best not to blush. She wasn't a virgin anymore, Goddammit! First Jamie's face registered surprise but it was soon replaced by something different. Could it be satisfaction? Or was it simply the pleasure to see her? "Well, what a pleasant surprise...!" Jamie said while he swiftly jumped to his feet to pick up a T shirt that was lying on the floor. As he turned his back to her to pull the sweater over his head Gaia had all the time in the world to have a peek at his powerful back and the pattern his muscles made while he put it on... But she almost felt faint when he sat down on the bed, the only available seat in his room and patted the place beside him. Almost. The promise of the night made her bolder than she felt.

Gaia came to sit at the other extremity of the bed, her legs oddly dangling over the edge. "So...what's your poison...I think I've got a good bottle of red somewhere...or you up for the hard stuff?" he pointed at a bottle of Glenfiddich on the side table. Wine was a little too romantic to Gaia's taste. Furthermore, she needed something hard to steady her nerves. Something that would numb her a little bit and loosen her up some at the same time. "No, no, no...hard stuff is good".

A real beginner...not even capable of using double meanings when she intended to and she was letting her tongue slip... Freud was certainly laughing his ass off in his grave at her clumsy expressions. Her attention snapped back when Jamie handled her a glass full of the amber liquid. Their fingers brushed. The air was charged with eroticism around them. A little spark. It was all that was needed to light up the bomb that would explode. Jamie had told her in disguised words that he wouldn't make the first step. Of course, Gaia found that very "gentlemanesque" but it didn't help make her choice the least. Yes, she was reluctant to cross that line. It would be the definitive good-bye to the miracle she had been living those last years. Terry. All this had been so easy with him. Nothing had been forced, pretended or faked. It had happened...so naturally.

Oh damn! He wasn't even leaving her mind when she was about to have sex with another man! Sex. Terry. Her mind forced her to think about the pictures she had received during her stay in Tuscany. An envelope with several shots in it sent by a friend. Terry and Nolia, tightly wrapped and eating each other tonsils.

Did he sense that she was slowly drifting away? Nonetheless Jamie did something that broke the ice instantly: he kicked his shoes and lay back on the bed. That drew a laugh out of Gaia who did the same, all her worries flying away. Her life was now and then, she said to herself. They sipped their Scotch and then one thing leading to another, they started to chat. She discovered that he was an Italian fashion aficionado and that he loved to cook. Unfortunately, he told her, it was pretty rare these days because of his job. They chuckled at his rather funny description of the state of his kitchen after a meal he prepared a few months ago to impress his mates.

He was silent for a moment and then turned toward her, his face suddenly serious "This is nice...talking with a woman, I mean. Not my usual style...longest time I've ever spent on a bed with a woman and kept my pants on..." He grinned then seemed to realize what he had said and got up, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I think this is getting dangerous, baby...I'm not sure if I stay here much longer and drink much more of this that I'm going to keep on behaving myself... It's your call, Gaia...your call..." It was the moment of truth. "I can do it, too..." Gaia said to herself "...just like the men, I can separate the feelings from my body..."

Slowly, she lay down on the bed and tried to relax and abandon herself to the feelings she craved to feel again...

"Touch me..." Gaia whispered.

 

Jamie slowly turned on the bed and seemed to hesitate. In reality, it was the crossing of that imaginary line "I'm boning my boss's ex-girlfriend" that kept him from jumping on her like a wolf on its prey. This time, Gaia had decided not to let anything interfere with her desire to feel that someone could want and desire her again. By filling her, Jamie would make her whole again. With resolve, she took his hand and put it on her breast. Her eyes closed, she moaned as she showed him how much she wanted him. What had finally made him decide to surrender to the moment? Gaia would never know. But he delicately lowered her top to access her nipples that were already standing erect, begging for further caresses. The two-day beard on his face was deliciously scrapping her skin as his mouth bathed her nipples thoroughly. Jamie moved to give his body a better angle in order to attack her body in the state of the art.

Kneeling over her, Jamie went straight for her mouth as he rubbed his pelvic bones on her tender parts. Instinctively, Gaia rubbed herself against him in hope that he'd forget that she hadn't responded to his kisses. She had slightly turned her head to show him that she hadn't wanted that kind of intimacy between them. It was sex she wanted. To be filled. Nothing more. Pushing his scruples aside, Jamie forcefully spread her legs and unzipped his pants. Her body tensed, waiting for the final assault. "Yes". It was all she could whisper, her brain having switched off under the power of the physical sensations that were traveling through her body...

A sharp knock on the door and Leon's voice... what would you have to do in this house to have a moment alone? Jamie let out a torrent of curses that would have made any nun die of apoplexy and they both jumped out of the bed to cover themselves. This surely better be a first rate emergency or Gaia would emasculate Leon on the spot.

 

 

Terry

The signs had all been there but his head had been too wrapped round the obvious danger to see them. That wasn't really his style. His business was reading people. But that was exactly why they never let you deal with your own. It's impossible when you have a personal stake in something to be neutral and just get the job done. Without impartiality, then you might actually start letting yourself feel. And how much use to anyone is that?

Recalling the event in the moments afterwards, it seemed in his mind to have happened in slow motion, like a car wreck. At the doorway of Farrow's bedroom, he had pushed past Leon whose very body language should have screamed a warning to him - and then he had stepped inside. They had had long enough to cover themselves by the time he entered but what he had seen had still been more than enough to give no mistake about what they had been doing.

Gaia and Jamie Farrow making out on his bed. He felt like someone had just got him square in the gut. But, that's what the game face is for. Never let them inside. Never let them know just how much it hurts.

"...I'll wait downstairs until you're both ready. The library, Farrow. Three minutes..." He addressed Farrow first. Jamie looked ashen and for once in his life the cocky swagger was gone as he slunk out of the door and made for downstairs. 'Wise move, Farrow. I would have taken you apart if you'd tried to brazen it out this time...' he thought to himself before turning to where Gaia was, still hurriedly fastening up her skirt, her cheeks flaming red. He had a sudden desire to humiliate her further. Why does that happen? "Good to see you've been bearing up under the pressure, Madam... So sorry to have interrupted your evening...."

His voice was cold and cutting, his face set and grim. Gaia shook back her beautiful black hair, tousled by another man's touch, and faced him up, staring him out as she slipped her shoes on. Striding to the door, she brushed past Terry, forcing him to take a step back, hissing:  "...Don't fucking judge me, Mr. Perfect! We are not together anymore and I fucking do whatever I want with MY life...!

"You do that, lady....you do that...!" he muttered and then winced at his own inability to hold his tongue. His eyes scanned the room again, drawn to the bed with its coverlet disturbed. It seemed as though it was taunting him. Another failure. Another woman who could no longer stand the sight of him. Usually he sympathized with them. He'd been away three months and hardly contacted. He'd cancelled one too many significant dates. He answered the phone that called him away after she begged him not to. Those reasons he could accept, explaining it away as the consequences of the life he had chosen to lead, blame it on women who were too needy or spoilt or selfish to understand that the work he did was important...

But this time he couldn't hide behind the usual veil of excuses. Whatever had made Gaia hate him, he would have to face the truth. This time it was all about how he had failed as a man.

Maybe he just wasn't good enough at commitment and love. Maybe he never had been. 

Running down the wide staircase, he crossed the hallway and hit the double doors that led into the library. Farrow was sitting on a chair, his head in his hands. He looked rough. Good. That was at least one consolation. As Terry entered, Farrow shot out of the chair and stood to attention. It's funny how even the hard men like Farrow have that innate military style when they know they've stepped over the line. His behavior was deferent. It annoyed Terry. He wanted a reason to hit him.

"Look, Terry...that wasn't what it looked like..." Farrow began.

"You weren't having sex with the client then...?" Terry responded, a definite note of challenge in his voice, warning Farrow about the dangers of bullshitting him.

"Well...we were just talking...you know how it is...?"

"I know she was in your room, late at night, scantily clad, drinking whisky and in your bed...not really the obvious location for a conversation, mate... if you want to keep things professional, that is. You know the rules, Farrow. She's a client. You never get involved with clients..."

"That so?" Farrow retorted, beginning to buck against the lecture. "Not from what I've heard..."

Terry eyed him up icily. Farrow decided not to pursue that line of debate. "At the moment, I need you. After this case is over...I'll review your future with us. For the time being, however, we concentrate on the job in hand and put this out of our heads, you got that...? Yasim and his boys have got to be taken out before they get access to the house. This is the showdown we weren't expecting...but there's no room for mistakes...or fuck ups...and you've already made a major one. So, if you're planning on staying with the company then I suggest you get this right - and then deal with O'Leary in future...because if we do decide to keep you, I don't want you on any job with me again..."

"She said it was over...I know I fucked up but it wasn't personal, Terry...I swear I didn't know you were still interested..."

"Get the fuck out of my sight...!" was all he could say by way of reply. So she'd engineered this, had she? Seduced Farrow who would hardly have been resistant to a bit of nookie after hours?  So she turned up late night at his room with a bottle? You could hardly blame a guy under the pressure they worked not succumbing to a little bit of honey offered without strings. Jesus Christ, whatever he had done to Gaia, it must have been something bad to make her hate him that much. Was it not enough to leave him?  Did she really want to rub his nose in it?

The door closed on Farrow; Terry dropped down to sit on one of the leather armchairs. He had to get a grip. If he didn't keep his head together now, then he was really going to mess up big time. The lives of too many people depended on him. It was imperative that he set this behind him and did not allow it to interfere with the mission. Rocking back and forth, he wrapped his arms around himself in some instinctive method of self-preservation. He had to be strong. He had to close down. If he could only find that place inside where nothing could reach him, then he'd be fine...

 

 

Gaia

It was clearly the point of her life when Gaia chose to face the music. Cullen was in great danger; she couldn't hide anymore. She had to forget Terry. Forget the past. A new life was ahead and after what had happened lately between them there was no way they could reconcile. One to one, she laughed bitterly. He would never forgive her now. The Rubicon was crossed as her father had taught the expression when she had been able to understand the consequences of somebody's acts. Jean-Pierre had fed her with bedtime stories of Napoleon Russian campaign. It had killed thousands of soldiers because of the Russians burning their belongings to avoid them falling into the enemies' hands. "La politique de la terre brûlée". The "scorched earth policy". Wasn't that what she had just done? Burned to the ground the remaining of their love. A puff and the ashes would be scattered by the wind.

Slowly, a change operated in her. First it was an impression. Then came the feeling of having cut the last bond with him. Terry certainly hated her guts after what he had witnessed. What a strange feeling is was in fact. But a liberating one also. His love for her was dead. Only lingered a feeling of having loved her once. He would be sad if anything happened to her now. Sad but not destroyed. It was what mattered to her: he would be able to reconstruct his life once more. He could, he had so much to give!

It was the moment to stand up. To refuse evidence. What was that quote she had read many years ago? "Please God; give me wisdom to accept the things that can't be changed. But give me strength for me to change the things that can be." She needed the strength. And she needed it now. Things had to change. This terror spiral had to come to an end...

The consequences for Luca and Gabrielle would be disastrous, she knew. Was there any other solution? Terry was on his way to save Cullen. To Gaia's eyes, it looked more like a desperate act. Terry had been clear that there was no other way. He had seemed almost... resigned. This wasn't good.

There was another solution though. Only Terry hadn't wanted to take that into account. He thought he was protecting her. He was so wrong. How could she go on living her life knowing that because of her, a man had died? A man who was her friend. A man who had been caught in the middle of a war because he had wanted to help? Her happiness wasn't at that price. Maybe it wasn't meant to be...living with the joy of seeing her son growing up and helping him becoming a man.

Walking straight into the crocodile jaws wasn't an easy decision for Gaia to make. But Cullen's death wasn't an option. The solution was between her hands. Was it foolish of her to cling to the hope - although small - that she could come out of it in one piece? Even though she was determined to act and make the things right for once. Yasim wanted his son back. So be it. Even if Luca would once more suffer from her decision. It would be terribly difficult for her son but his life wouldn't be in danger. Gaia was counting on her son's resilience to heal from her latest treason. And she was sure he would. Luca's days with his mother wouldn't count much in his life. If he would ever recalled them at all... As for Gabrielle, she could always claim that she had been forced and that the kidnappers had warned her of the consequences of her rebellion. Maybe she would be able to reason her son...

The deep sigh that Gaia let out drew Gabrielle's attention. Tenderly taking her ex-daughter-in-law's hand, she squeezed it. The English countryside was peaceful, the wind and the rain were gone and a shy sun was heating the gravel path they were walking on. "C'est une belle journée pour faire face à son destin, Gaia. Et je l'accepte. Quel qu'en soit le prix." ("It is a beautiful day to face its destiny, Gaia. And I accept it. No matter of the price."). The women sadly smiled at each other: they would face the consequences of their choices together. It was something that Gaia found so touching about Gabrielle. Her wisdom was immense but her heart's greatness even bigger.

Luca came back strolling toward the women, not aware of the tragic events that were about to change his life...once more. Softly taking his grand-mother's hand, he leaned to make an eye contact with his mother and threw the most charming smile Gaia had ever seen on his son's face. Briefly closing her eyes, Gaia swallowed the emotion that had risen in her. It would soon be just a memory.

It's only when Yasim's men whisked them harshly inside a white and windowless van that the physical bond their hands were making was broken. Gaia shouted that as long as they were coming willingly, there was no need to manhandle them. But it did nothing more than anger the man who was dragging her to sit on a seat in the back of the van. Luca was helped inside but with what seemed a little bit more care. Recognizing the man who was viciously tying his mother's hands to a metallic rail which run on the side of the van, Luca immediately turned toward his mother in shock. He had understood now.

"N'aie pas peur, Luca. Tu vas bientôt retrouver ton père." (Don't be afraid, Luca. You are soon meeting up with your father").

The man shouted to shut up and raised his hand as to hit her. Gaia didn't flinch as she waited for the blow, her eyes dead set on the man. Luca jumped against the man who was about to hurt his mother but was soon picked up by the second man who forced the child to go sit on another seat, putting enough distance that they wouldn't be able to reach for each other.

The force of the blow took Gaia by surprise and it made her head hit the side of the van. Even as she saw stars, Gaia did her best to hide the tears the pain had brought into her eyes. In the far corner of her mind, she heard Luca interpellate the men and talk to their assailants in harsh Arabic tones. She wanted to tell him to stop. That she was OK. That he didn't need to take her defence. That it wasn't worth it. Her aggressor had sat so close to her that their legs were touching. Between two eyelash flutters, she noticed that he was looking at her menacingly, daring her to utter a word. His next blow would certainly make her lose consciousness. And she didn't want that. She was determined to stay alert. The futile thought that she could retain a small portion of control over the whole situation.

Gabrielle - who had also been tied up to the rail on the opposite wall of the van- was sitting behind Luca. With a pleading voice she was speaking to the man next to Luca as he was close to loosing control over the rebellious behaviour of the child. After a few seconds of tensed silence, the man forced Luca to sit and shouted in his ear to stay put. Sniffing, Luca threw a desperate look at his mother. Gaia imperceptibly turned her head toward Luca and softly closed her eyes, secretly passing the message that she was alright and that he shouldn't worry. As if it could help him feeling less terrified...

The van started up and a complete silence fell on the passengers. A small curtain had been pushed to hide the drivers as the road, leaving Gaia wondering if they were heading South or North. Did it even matter? Instead of wasting precious moments trying to figure out what would happen next, she decided to literally drink the sight of her son, perfectly aware that these moments were the last she would spend ever spend in his company. She wanted so much to be able to touch him one last time, to hold his little body once more. Slightly turning her face away, Gaia let the tears that came from the emotion of losing her son again flow. As she shifted in her seat, the reassuring bite of the knife hidden in the back of her knickers helped her regain some courage. Who knew if she might be able to take control the situation at one point?

 

 

Terry

I suppose I should have realised she would pull a stunt like this. It wasn't the first time that she had demonstrated herself quite capable of making some supreme sacrifice for what she saw as the safety of others. It wouldn't have occurred to her that a man like Yasim Nouri would not let Murphy or any of the other men live even if she handed herself and the family over. Whether Murphy got out alive or not was pretty much dependent on Murphy himself. He would be prepared to go in himself and give him an opportunity to escape, but realistically neither of them had good odds for survival.

Terry ran his hand down his face as he crouched down by the wall of the building, waiting for Farrow to check out the rooms inside for body heat images. He had been here so many times in his life, that he had almost stopped asking himself why he did it. What makes a man so hooked on the adrenalin of danger that he puts his life on the line time and time again? From how many tight spots can you realistically expect to walk away in one piece at the end of it? He knew this mission was different in that he had a personal stake in it, a debt of honour, so to speak, but in the end that only rendered the chances of surviving the next few hours even slimmer. When you care too much, that's I when you are most vulnerable.

And he knew that he would walk in front of any bullet to save Gaia and her family.

There was something else on his mind too as he sat there, primed for action, his knee trembling with nervous tension, his body alert and his mind racing with all the other factors of the operation even as he ran his own thoughts across it. He wasn't entirely sure that he wanted to go on this time. His imagination kept slipping away to what happened afterwards, on the chance they did all make it out of there alive.

If he did walk away from this, what then? His apartment, cold and sterile at the best of times without the presence of a woman or family, now appeared to him as an even more forbidding prospect. Night after night, staring at the four walls, haunted by memories of how close he had been to having it all. So what did he do then to compensate? Accept every case that came his way and bury himself in work again? Drink himself into a stupor alone each night when on leave? Cruise bars and nightclubs and indulge in dirty sex until he couldn't even look himself in the mirror for shame at what he had become?

Well, that's what he had always done before. But he knew even those dubious pursuits would not suffice this time. The honest truth was, he had lost everything in life he had ever cared about. His son was gone forever from his life. The only woman he had really loved in many years had spurned him.

Maybe this was what today was all about, putting things right and then bowing out of it all? He'd had enough. Was it time to recognise the end and have the guts to take the honourable way out instead of sinking into a decline and becoming more of an empty shell than he had been for years anyway?

But before he could really answer that question, Farrow reported back and they knew that immediate action was necessary. That was the point when men like Terry Thorne stopped thinking. Instinct and experience took over. It was a welcome replacement for emotion.

 

 

Cullen

They worked him over pretty bad, the bastards. Cullen was no hero. He kept his mouth shut when it was wise to do so. It was never wise to provoke head cases like these. They intended to off you anyway; all you can hope for is that they take their time (which might give you a window of opportunity somewhere) and they don't get angry enough to incapacitate you too early on. He wasn't in a good shape, but was still capable of a few moves if he had to. It was all about conserving energy now and watching. Terry had to be around. He was the kind of guy who wouldn't even leave one of his men to the wolves never mind Gaia and the others. But Cullen was fully well aware that Terry wouldn't have a chance unless he himself was on the ball - and on the inside giving him back up.

He spent the time curled up on a leather sofa, pretending to be more out of it than he really was and let his mind wander. He didn't dare let himself go to sleep although his body was crying out for it. So instead he thought of Esmerelda Abbott and why of all the women he had ever known she was the one he couldn't forget. And then he stopped asking that stupid question that no one would ever be able to answer anyway and concentrated instead on simply remembering how good she made him feel, how safe it was inside her arms and what he would do and say to her if God somehow let him get away with this one and turn up some day soon at her door, with a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates and his pathetic little broken heart.

But he never stopped listening for the sign that they were going loud. 

When it came, it took him a few moments to gather the reserves he needed. He was worse off than he had imagined. At first all he could do was drop and roll to keep out of the lines of fire to reduce chances of picking up a bullet from ricochet. But from here he saw his window, grabbed one of them who had temporarily forgotten about him in the madness of the unexpected assault- and got himself a gun.

Hauling himself against a wall, Cullen took a few deep breaths. Fuck, that hurt! There must be a couple of broken ribs at least - and maybe a punctured lung. If he didn't make it count quickly he'd be losing consciousness and that would be that. Keeping close to the wall, he edged to the door and listened. They were at a standoff inside. It didn't take him long to assess the possible outcome. Yasim and Terry, one on one.

Thorne would have Nouri any day on paper. But this wasn't a textbook exercise. Terry was not a ruthless killer. You could see the thought processes playing out in his mind. He must be crap at poker. Meanwhile Yasim was taunting him:

 

"...See...I give you a free shot and you can't take it...Let her go? She's my property...And you haven't got the guts to kill me. You're weak...you allow your emotions to rule you...this is a very bad mistake to make with a man like me...you cannot kill me, M. Thorne...how could you explain that to Luca in the little menage a trois you hope for...? You shot his father so that you could have his mother...? See....you can't do it, can you...?

 

There was Gaia, Gabrielle and little Luca, all watching the drama that was playing out before their eyes. If Terry killed Yasim, he would be forever in a difficult place with them. To live with a woman whose husband you shot? To try and be a father to the child who saw you kill his father? To hope to build up a relationship with the mother whose son is dead because of you? Sure, Yasim's death would free up the way for him to start again with Gaia - but how could you ever get past those unassailable truths? Then there was the fact that Terry believed he and Gaia were over. Cullen himself had observed a dangerous melancholy in Terry's personality. He could feel it emanating from him even now. Was he thinking that maybe he should just let Yasim kill him and be free of it all? Was Thorne on the brink of pressing the self destruct button on his life?

Cullen didn't wait to find an answer. Raising the gun and not even having to steady himself to fire it, so good was his aim even in his present reduced circumstance, he put a bullet through Yasim's brain. Sometimes you can think too much. Cullen had always favoured direct action and didn't ever let consequences worry him. That was the good point about being a bastard without a conscience. Terry Thorne could do with a bit of what he had:

"...No, he can't really do it, can he? Luckily, I don't happen to give a shit..." Cullen gasped out mockingly as the explosion of blood and brain matter sprayed everyone standing close by...before slipping to his knees and passing out...

 

 

Gaia

It had to happen one day. And it would be the day of her death that she would've learned that Yasim had long ceased being a man. A beast was lying low under his business manners and his natural elegance. A beast that had no other desire than to bend or break the people who would be bold enough to oppose him. When Yasim hadn't released Cullen despite her surrender, Gaia was certainly the only grown up surprised in the premises. Her naivety had been the tool of her fall. Yasim had known how to use her belief that she couldn't have felt any kind of tender feeling for a man devoid of morals and honour. Ever.

Gaia's eyes suddenly opened. The disgust she felt at watching Yasim, so full of himself, so excited at holding under his power a badly beaten man, two women and a child made her physically sick. As bile went up her oesophagus, a flash of resolution crossed her brain: Yasim wouldn't vilify her anymore. It was about to cease right now.

Although aware of the consequences of her rebellion, Gaia threw her left elbow back and hit with all her force the face of the man holding her. Released from the man's grasp and not losing a second, Gaia knelt in an attempt to reach for Cullen who was sprawled on the floor, spitting blood. As she delicately put her hand on Cullen in a comforting stance, she felt a tight grip on her hair and soon found herself dragged along on the biting cement. She cried in pain as it seemed that her skin was being detached from her skull. Throwing both her hands on the top of her head, Gaia covered her assailant's clenching hand and pulled hard until it gave her enough leverage to get back on her feet. With the little force left in her arms stretched above her head, Gaia made her body turn to face the man. Yasim! The hair was twisted even more tightly and pain rippled through her head. It didn't stop her though. She was beyond pain and so furious that she scraped her throat and spit crudely on his face

"Tu n'est qu'un chien!" (You're nothing but a dog!)

Half pulling, half dragging her, he headed toward a door that he kicked open. It was a small closet with walls that were splashed with diesel oil and....fluids. Gaia instantly decided she didn't want to know as they undoubtedly were human...

When Yasim finally told Gaia about his plans, no doubt subsisted in her then: he had lost his mind and was crazy enough to be locked in a mental hospital forever. Was there another explanation for his crazy belief that she was the only one able to give him another male child? Of course, Gabrielle had informed Gaia of his numerous attempts to have another son with different women since their separation. Certainly that Yasim's belief had been reinforced each time girls had been born. He wanted strong sons to venerate their father and make his legacy, which women weren't capable of as they were weak and impure creatures. Now he was ready to get what he wanted at any cost. Even if it meant taking back the wife who had humiliated him in front of his family and friends by refusing to bend to his will and then by leaving him.

Not many options were left for Gaia to keep Yasim from raping her: she had to convince him that she wasn't fertile because she was on the pill. Her surprise was huge when she heard him laugh at her pitiful attempt. He had found a way to lay a hand on her gynaecologist records and therefore was well aware that she using any sort of birth control medicine. How sick was this?

One of Gaia's hand was about to reach for the hidden knife when she heard Luca's voice. She then noticed small holes in the wall beside her. They weren't wide enough to pass a hand but wide enough let sound carry from one room to another. Yasim felt her hesitation and instantly turned it to his advantage: pressing himself against her, he licked her ear in a lewd way while his hands reached for the bottom of her skirt and pulled it up, baring her legs and gaining access to her knickers.

She was trapped. Luca would hear what was going on the other side of the wall. He would feel helpless and would carry the guilt for a long time. His distress would be terrible.

What was to debate? Judging Yasim's aroused state, Gaia knew it wouldn't take too long. And if by any unfortunate twist of fate she would be pregnant, there were many different ways to get rid of the baby before it would grow in her.

Bravely raising her face, she looked Yasim straight in the eyes.

She had made her choice.

Now more than ever she was the master of her own life...

 

 

Terry

"...Murphy said you wanted a word with me..." Terry took her into the kitchen, if you could glorify the filthy, broken down wreck with the name kitchen. The house had obviously been unoccupied for years, probably used as a drugs' squat. He saw Gaia glance around and shudder which gave him a sudden rush of sympathy for her. Christ alone knew what had really happened before they had got there. It wasn't hard to imagine what a sick bastard like Nouri was capable of doing to a vulnerable woman. Yet he was not in any mood to indulge her. This was the moment he had wanted to avoid. He was aware that Gaia was grateful but wasn't interested in crumbs of gratitude from her table. The image of her making out with one of his men was still burned in his brain. Any sympathy he felt for her after what had transpired that day didn't actually change anything.

"So...what was it you wanted to say to me?" He stood there impassively, well aware that his demeanour would intimidate.

"I... hum... I wanted to thank you...for what you did...for the risks you took... I didn't help you, I know...but you have to understand I couldn't let Yasim hurt Cullen...he would've killed him... I had to...can you forgive me?"

There was no answer. He wasn't angry with her for what she had done. It had been typical of Gaia. She wouldn't have given her own safety a moment's thought if she believed someone else was in danger. She was a courageous woman, full of integrity. Hadn't that been one of the many things that he loved about her? 

He could see that his lack of response was making her feel uncomfortable. She went on hesitantly, trying once more to open him up." How are you? I mean... how do you REALLY feel? Tell me...Say something, Terry..!"

He swallowed and looked away. "I'm fine. No harm done. You don't have to apologise for anything...I understand...Now, if you'll excuse me...I think you should be with your son. His father is dead. I've got to see my men. Was there anything else...?

It was a cruel comment to make, but at moments like that, it was easier to strike out at someone else than deal with the fact that he was bleeding inside himself.

Her face changed. First came the pain. But it was quickly followed by her own defence mechanism. She could attack just as effectively as he I could. "Anything else?  You ask me if there is anything else...? PUTAIN DE BORDEL DE MERDE, TERRY! Can't you just stop for one second to give lessons to the people around you?"

She was angry. Very angry. Raw emotion coursed through her, the result of whatever degradation she had experienced at the hands of her ex-husband, the horror of the moment when Yasim was shot dead, then the come down after weeks of high tension. He could stand there analysing exactly what this woman was dealing with but still couldn't even make one simple move towards her to alleviate her distress.

Gaia paced the kitchen, kicking out in temper at the junk lying on the floor. Her breath came in heavy bursts. Her breasts heaved as she fought the desire to cry. On some subliminal level it was arousing him perversely. He didn't want even to try and understand but he could read her motivation. She would not let him see her weaken.

Terry stood there without showing any sign of compassion. It was a cheap revenge for making him twist in the wind. But it was still not enough. He could fight dirty too when cornered. "Why the performance? I did what you asked. I got Luca back. You're safe from Yasim now...you still want a shoulder, honey? Then go and see if your new boyfriend will loan his. It's broad enough...looked like you had some unfinished business from where I was standing..."

He spat the retort out and turned to go but she lunged, grabbing him by the arm. "Don't you turn your back on me, you coldhearted bastard! Who are you to blame me? You are a hypocrite...!"

Her accusation made him spin round, intending to shake her hand away and walk out. He had heard enough. But one look at her, her eyes moist but fiery, red spots of anger in her pale cheeks and he stopped in his tracks, driven by a whole host of conflicting emotions: love, hurt, jealousy, despair.

Even then, his brain told him to disentangle from his arms and get the hell out of there - but he was counting without his proximity having the effect of sweeping away her inhibitions at the same time as he was struggling to keep a lid on his. For what seemed to them both like a long, long time - but was probably only seconds - they stared at each other.

She raised her hand up, as if to slap his face as an alternative to kissing him. Instinctively he blocked, raising her arms above her head. She struggled and hissed insults.

Terry snapped.

He moved forward, hauling her body against his roughly - and kissed her. It was a hard bruising kiss, teeth clashing, tongue forcing inside, her hands dragged behind her back, pressing her against the counter top. She bucked hard, writhing, not enough to slow him down, but more than enough to drive him on. He ran one hand down her body, grasping her breast and squeezing hard. She was panting as he pulled his mouth off hers so that they could both take a breath.

This time it was Gaia who reached up and hungrily kissed him again, her knee running up his legs, parting his thighs and pressing roughly up against the soft flesh of his scrotum. There was a hint of pain menacing in the way she increased the pressure as he grunted.

Hitching up her skirt crudely, tearing her panties down her legs and then unzipping, he clumsily pulled out his dick, lifting her to rest her buttocks on the edge of the work surface. She wrapped her legs around his body, her consent clearly given.

He pushed inside with little finesse. She was wet. A passing thought came to him. Had Yasim forced her earlier? It was enough to turn his irrational rage inwards on her. He couldn't bear what her husband had done to her. So in some warped way he blamed her instead.

Why was he acting this way? Why was she allowing him to? Only lovers know the answer to that conundrum.

It was quick and inglorious, no more than a few deep thrusts and he was through. Her moans echoed in his ear, making him unsure whether he was hurting her or whether it was in pleasure. The ambiguity excited him more. She felt so fragile in his arms. So easy to hurt. But then, isn't everyone? She was capable of inflicting quite as much damage on him as he was on her. This was mutual.

Mutual what? Love? Hate? Passion? Rage? Or some warped mix of them all?

"I am so sorry...!" He found himself grunting into her ear as he came violently. She answered with a sob. It could have meant a lot of things.

Resting her gently on the ground again, he turned his back and zipped up his jeans, so ashamed of what he had done that he was unable even to face her. He certainly didn't want to see the mess he had made of her as she tried to restore herself. Her son was only a few rooms away. The body of her husband wasn't even cold. Cullen was badly hurt. His men needed him. What had he done?

"I have to go...that was a mistake....I don't know what happened...I'm sorry..." he muttered, lurching for the door.

He didn't wait for her answer.

 

 

Gaia

Sitting on the window frame of her bedroom overlooking the Luxembourg Garden in Paris, Gaia was thinking about Terry and their last encounter two weeks ago. The rather violent sex session wasn't what was filling her mind with unease. She had been consenting. And contrary to what Terry seemed to believe, she didn't think it had been a mistake. No, this sense of unease had more to do with the fact that she had let Terry leave without saying a word that could have lightened his guilt. Because he had felt guilty. She knew him that much. The view of the guilt's weight settling on his shoulders as he was zipping himself up had made Gaia look away from him. It was over, she had tried to persuade herself, and there was nothing to say or do that could change that.

Now she wasn't so sure anymore. Water had poured under the bridges. She had to deal with a new life...and the running hate coursing through her each time she would catch her reflection in a mirror. Terry. Her love. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her forehead touched the cold window. No, she hadn't loved him, because if she ever had, how could she have willfully kept silent? You don't let someone you love deal with such a devouring guilt. A few words, a gesture, a look and he would have understood that he hadn't hurt her at all neither physically nor mentally. His rage had only matched hers.

Oh! The pain she had caused him...

The remembrance of the numbness in which she had slowly fell down after the shooting and the sight what had been left of Yasim's head on the reddened concrete floor came back. Her brain had done his job by freezing all her senses in order to protect her sanity. She had felt as if she had slowly been dipping down in a pool full of icy water. First she had been able to go back toward Yasim's body and throw his remains a cold and detached glance. She had felt nothing. How strange could that be? A man... a man she had once loved and lived with - the father of her child - had been lying in the pool of his own blood, his head half ripped off and the horror of the situation hadn't even touched her. Slowly she had removed some of the blood splashed on her naked skin with a rug. And still no emotion. Then she had come to Luca and Gabrielle and helped them deal with the atrocity of the killing. She had felt little sadness for the loss of the father or the son.

Everything changed when she had seen Terry again. The power of relief to see him alive had shaken her deeply. She couldn't let the numbness take over. She couldn't deal with the horror either.

Safety could only come from him. 

He would know. 

In that filthy kitchen, all the last weeks' incomprehension, tension, anger, worry, sadness and fear had crystallized and had come out disguised as brutal aggression toward the other. When he had gripped her and attacked her lips, unbeknown to him, he had unleashed a torrent of ground swell emotions that she had been carefully keeping at bay. He had given her exactly what she was craving. Her body and mind in total unison. She wanted him in his wildest state. She wanted him to fill her, to claim her, to make bend her out of shape and make her forget all the regrets and pain in which she had been drowning since she had left him.

The blood that was just starting to leak between her legs was the true sign that she wasn't pregnant with Terry's child. Was she relieved? Gaia couldn't tell. She had clung to that possibility like to a life buoy. To have his baby in her present situation would have been a folly. But would there ever be a more beautiful folly than carrying his child? Gaia couldn't help but consider it as the miracle that might have made them want to reach for the other.

And stop the hurt.

 

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