I don't know how I made it home.  The tears streaming down my face practically blinded me while I was driving.  I hoped there were no cops around as I was putting the pedal to the medal.

Oh God.  How did this situation with me and Jeffrey become so fucked up?!

He had been so angry when I had tried once more to evade personal questions about my life.

We had just spent a wonderful evening in each other's arms.  I had planned a surprise evening for us complete with flowers, wine, and fruit to eat and play with.  I had saved all my money to buy a pink baby doll out fit and had splurged too on expensive Kama Sutra massage oils.

An image of him dribbling the oil starting at the hollow of my neck down my throat to my breasts played out in front of me.  Swirling his fingers lightly around my nipples, Jeffrey had rubbed the gleaming heat down my belly to my hips.  Telling me to roll over, I had complied and then I had felt his hands kneading the cheeks of my ass and the back of my thighs.

"Stop it!" I screamed at myself.  "He thinks you're just using him."

His ugly words thrown at me in his rage came back to haunt me.  "Are you ashamed of me?"  "You don't really want me in your life, do you?" "Just some stud service in your bed until you can find a younger man to do it properly?"

Lying face down on my bed, I smashed my fists down on the mattress.  "You've got it all wrong.  This isn't about you.  It's all about me."

Yet, I had lashed out at him in my hurt, told him that his age fixation was causing problems.  "Get over it and deal," I had yelled. 

Now I had made things a hundred times worse.

I cried myself to sleep.

The next few days, I walked through them like an automaton.  

Jeffrey never called.

Over before it began.  "They should just title my autobiography that."  Even though I knew this was my entire fault for not being upfront and honest with him, I still felt sorry for myself. 

Fuck, I always screw everything up!"  

I didn't go back to the pub.  No way could I face those people who I was just starting to get to know.  What they must think of me.  Maybe they didn't even know what had happened.  They only would know if Jeffrey went back and they wondered why he was suddenly flying solo.

He wouldn't tell them the details, but they would be able to read on his face about our split.

The nights were the worse.  Lying alone in the small twin bed, I would replay our short relationship like a film in my head.  His smile, his laugh, and the way he would look at me whenever he touched my skin.  The velvet texture of his hand as it stroked everywhere.  His clean fresh scent.  The odor of his cologne was still on my clothes.  No matter how often I washed them, I could still smell it.

I couldn't stop from mentally torturing herself.  How could I have fallen so deeply in so short a period?  It wasn't like me to get so totally swept up in an affair. It had just been infatuation for both of us.  That's all it was.

A Week Later

Trying to read a book and distract myself in the communal living room of which I shared with four other people, I didn't hear the doorbell ring.

"Tell Karen it's for her," Brenda yelled out to Sharon.

"Yo, Karen, the door."  Sharon as abrupt as ever minced few words calling me.

Getting up automatically without putting my book down, I made my way out to the hallway.

I assumed it would be the computer geek whose name I had got from my local newspaper returning my recalcitrant hard drive.  He was due today.  Another $150 I could ill afford.

Opening the door, I didn't even look up.  "Okay, you can bring it through here."

I was met with silence.

I raised my eyes.  Oh my God!  Jeffrey was standing on my doorstep.

"Jeffrey!"  My mouth dropped open in an unladylike manner.  Yes, I could have caught flies.

His face was incredibly guarded.  I couldn't read a thing from it.

"May I come in?" he politely inquired.

"Yeah...sure."  I waved him in.

He stood there on the small welcome mat looking for further direction.

"Just a minute.  I'll be right back."

Running into the kitchen, I screeched as softly as possible to my roommates.  "I need the living room pronto.  No interruptions.  I don't care who calls, who rings at the door or if you have a desperate need to watch the big screen telly, this room is off limits.  Got that?  You guys are invisible."

Seeing as how I was normally easy going and never made demands, the others readily agreed, but Sharon, always the bitch, had to snark out, "Hope he's worth it.  You've been acting like a cloistered nun for too long now.  Still sure you know how to do it?  Maybe we should all give you some pointers."  She made an obscene sucking motion with her mouth on the bottle of beer she was draining.

I could have told her that her blow job technique needed work, but that would be bragging and wasting precious time.

Brenda nudged her and Shawn put his hand over Sharon's mouth.  "Sheath the claws baby.  You see this is why I'm gay.  These cat fights I don't mind missing."

I didn't stay to see if Sharon was properly muzzled.  Our fourth housemate I wouldn't have to worry about.  Deirdre was practically living at the apartment of her married lover that he had set up for their trysts.

I noticed while I led Jeffrey to the living room that he was dressed in a well-tailored grey suit under his dark blue overcoat.   It obviously wasn't one of his teaching days.  Maybe he had been a speaker at one of his many conferences he attended or maybe he was consulting on one of his tobacco-related initiatives.

Why was I even thinking this shit, I had no idea.  Fuck, he looked good!  I was wearing flannel pajamas.

"Please sit down."  

He sat down on the recliner while I adjourned to my separate corner, the couch.

God, we were being so civil to each other like two countries seeking a détente.

Then it suddenly dawned on me.  How did he find my home?  The number I had given him was unlisted so he wouldn't have been able to get my address from the phone company.  That meant he had to have followed me at some point when we were still seeing each other.

I was surprised to find that I wasn't really bothered by this.  The man had been kept in the dark for far too long.  It would all end tonight.

"I think we need to talk, clear the air," Jeffrey began.

Usually those words meant a break-up was impending which I already had assumed had occurred when I walked out on him.  Again, I searched his face for clues.  No dice; he completely had a poker face on.

I waited.  It was his ballgame.

"You've been lying to me Karen.  It's going to stop right here, right now."

Did that mean I still had a chance?  Curling the tail ends of my hair between her fingers, I nervously bit down on my lip.  "Everything is not what it seems, Jeffrey."

"Another one of your patented vague remarks?  Why am I not surprised?"  Jeffrey's lip curled up.

Okay this was starting out badly.  How can I salvage this?

Before I could say anything, Jeffrey spit out some more venom.  "Renovations over?  Didn't see any construction or scaffolding or warning signs telling visitors to beware."

I took a deep breath.  Don't get mad.  He deserves to have his say.  He has a right to be pissed.

"I don't like dishonesty in anybody.  I think you might have gleaned that from what I went through with Brown & Williamson.  I think it's a despicable trait.  I especially don't like or expect it from women I'm sleeping with."

He might as well have said the woman I'm fucking.  Jeffrey Wigand was definitely not throwing any curve balls today.  Aggression just seemed to flow from every pore.

My hands moved from my hair to finger a dry spot on my neck.  I'm sure I was scratching it raw.

"You're right.  I haven't been upfront with you.  But there were reasons for that."  I bravely started in on my spiel.

"You've been telling tales from day one.  What possible excuse could you have to rationalize them?" he harshly asked.

He was far better than I at sparring.  He was using his words like ammunition to cut me down.

"There are things about my life I didn't want you to know because they're painful for me to discuss."  God, I was starting to get weepy.  I would not cry in front of this man.  I had my pride even though it made a poor bed partner.

"It's still like pulling teeth here getting straight answers from you."  His tone was flat but his eyes had softened somewhat from their original steadfast glare.  It was probably hearing the crack in my voice that despite my best efforts I couldn't keep out.

I sat up straight in my chair.  "What do you want to know?  I'll answer anything."

Pursing his lips, he looked around the room. 

I don't know what he was looking for.

"No photographs."

"What?"

He repeated.  "There are no photographs here.  You said I could ask about anything.  Fine, we'll start with that.  Family."  

That's all he said.

Tucking one leg underneath my other, I scratched again at my neck.  "My mother died when I was fifteen.  My father had long before taken off with another one of his flings.  I had no other living relatives."

"So you were alone from the time you were fifteen?"  This time, a gentleness had crept into his tone.

"Pretty much.  My father tried to keep in touch with me, but I hated his new wife.  I think I only stayed over at his place maybe four or fives times.  I have two younger step-sisters.  By the time I turned sixteen, I was on my own."

I had buried all this shit deep inside me for so long and bringing it to the surface frankly was killing me.  I don't like feeling vulnerable.

Jeffrey sensing this stood up and sat down beside me.

Fighting back my tears, I shifted away from him.  

"Karen, why didn't you just tell me that this was a tough topic for you to talk about?  You could have just said you were at odds with your dad and left it at that.  I wouldn't have pressed until you were ready to talk."

Then I turned on him.  "Jeffrey, I tried to tell you that in so many ways.  I told you my mother died.  I told you my father wasn't there for me.  You just persisted.  Not everybody has the perfect family.  You know that."  Okay that was a low blow for me reminding him of his own dysfunctional unit.

He put his arm around my shoulders and refused to let me shrug him off.  He just held on that much tighter.  "You didn't tell me you were a kid when all this went down.  It would have made a difference.  I would have understood how lonely and frightened you must have been."

I was getting emotional.  This is exactly the scene I had been dreading if the truth came out.  I didn't want his pity.  Oh poor little Karen left all alone with no one to care for her.  Oh Boo Hoo.  How utterly pathetic.  I was not going to bare my soul to him; if he expected this, he was bound to be disappointed.

"Okay, so now you know about my family.  What's next?  Oh, I know.  You wanted to know about friends, right?"

He tried to slow me down, but I was having none of it.

"No really, Jeffrey.  You wanted to know this stuff, so don't try to stop the roller coaster now.   Friends.  Quite simply, I don't have any.  I used to have some, but I drove them away because I was always so negative and cynical.  That's another reason why I don't get into any of this stuff.  Nobody wants to listen to someone who is constantly whining and whinging as the Aussies would say.  Keep a stiff upper lip and all that crap."

"I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about this."  

As I studiously kept my face turned away from him, he cupped my chin and turned it towards him.

His voice was low and soothing.  "I was feeling insecure.  I kept imagining you were hiding me away because you didn't want to be seen with me around any family or friends you might have.  You were right about the age thing."

He paused and ran a hand through his hair.  "I've had one-night stands or short little affairs with younger women before, and they inevitably end the same way.  They're spacing their time out until something better comes along.  Yes, I've even had women who were looking for that father figure, someone to direct or guide them or offer sage advice.  That's not a role I want any part of.  I never thought of you as looking for that, not even once, Karen.  I always thought we were on equal footing.  I said what I did out of anger."

Why did him being so understanding hurt even more than when he was tossing out jagged barbs?  I wasn't used to having such close attention paid to me.  I never like being central stage.

"There's something else I have to show you.  Come on."  I grabbed his hand and led him upstairs to my room.

We sat on my bed.

"Look around you Jeffrey.  This is my home, my real home.  Everything I own is contained in these four walls.  I share this apartment with four other people.  I'll throw in my age card here.  At my age, it's absolutely ludicrous that I have to live like this.  I'm years past being a teenager having to bunk up with others like a college dorm."

"That's why you never wanted me to come here.  You were embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?  No, that's not quite the expression I would use."

I stood up and started pacing.  "Your world and mine are completely different."

"I would like to think that I'm not such an insufferable snob to look down on you because of your circumstances," he said reassuringly.

It made me mad.  I didn't want to be comforted or have someone to commiserate with.  It put us immediately on unequal footing whatever Jeffrey was spouting.

"Let's do a little comparison of your life versus mine, shall we?  What shall we start with?  I know; your education.  You've got degrees up the wazoo.  I was a high school drop-out. You must make with your teaching, your conferences, your consulting, your research, what, a six figure salary?  Your house is a showplace.  I make a mere pittance and have to share the loo.

You're just a tad intimidating, Jeffrey.  So yeah, revealing where I live was more than embarrassing.  It was humbling and mortifying."

I was getting really wound up now.  While he was so vainly trying to subdue me, I just kept thinking of what an idiot I was to expect this would work.

Too busy getting riled that I didn't think that I had just made a crucial blunder.  My supposed sales job as an insurance representative would pay more than a meager salary.  I had forgotten my little cover.

"Look, why don't we forget all this.  Our wires got crossed, but I can see why you did what you did.  I'm not angry any more.  We can get past this."  He was watching me go back and forth wearing a hole into my cheap Wal-Mart rug.

Bully for him.  He wasn't angry any more.

Then he made a colossal mistake.

"I'd like to help you out here."

"What do you mean?"

"With your financial situation."

"My financial situation?  What do you mean like a handout?  I'm not a charity case or one of your pet projects." I snapped this out without thinking.

"Why are you still trying to pick a fight when I'm trying to defuse this?" he gently reproached me.  Jeffrey was being oh so sensible doing his best to dissuade me from the hell bent path of self-destruction I was on.

Too bad I didn't have my pair of sensible shoes on.

"You started this show and tell, Doc.  Don't try to change your tune now."  I was being contrary, and damned if I was going to let him blow all this away like a puff of smoke.

He frowned.  "All I meant by helping you out was helping you find another job."

"Another job?"  A red alert flashed through my mind.  "Why would I need a new job?"

"Obviously, you need more money to live on, correct?  I've got connections.  I could pass on your resume."

Then I remembered the little detail of my fraudulent job.  "You've got connections with insurance companies?"

I swear he stiffened and looked right through me at this point.  The charade was over.  "I know where you work."

Stopping mid pace, my heart fluttered in my chest.  I should have suspected he held all the cards.

Thinking I could still bluff this out, I hedged, "I told you where I worked. Canada Life, ring a bell?"

He got up from the bed and walked over to glance at a picture of a waterfall I had hung on the wall.  He casually threw out a seemingly off-handed remark.  "Seems your Head Office has no record of your employment."

He checked on my work place?  I walked to him and stood in front of the picture, blocking his view of it.  "You called to verify that I was working there?"

"No."  He lowered his head to look me in the eye refusing to be baited.  "I called because I wanted to invite you to a function at work."

I angled my head not sure if I believed him.  "I also told you I worked at a small branch office.  Head Office doesn't keep track of all of its employees who work outside the main quarters."

"It would seem like Payroll would have to keep track of you to issue you a paycheck."

The bastard.  He had been keeping tabs on me.

"Where do you get off investigating me?  Who do you think you are?"  My voice became sharp and shrewish.  "Hell, you might as well have brought in the big guns and called Dino and Terry."

Nose to nose we were now as Jeffrey slouched down the wall to my level.  "Someone who cares about you, and someone who did not want to get hurt again."

"Oh no you don't.  Don't try and turn this around and make yourself sound so noble.  You invaded my privacy.  You can't deny that.  Not only did you do it at my work but you also obviously followed me home.  What are you?  Some kind of stalker?"  I was reeling from his admission that he knew where I worked.

Reddening, Jeffrey pulled away and glowered at me.  "You're out of line, honey."

Not being prone to taking subtle warnings, I continued the onslaught.

"No you are, Wigand.  You just crossed THE line.  What's your next trick gonna be?  Wanna see who I'm rooming with?  Maybe, they're all druggies and felons.  Could drag Bud or Zack into this.  In fact, maybe I'm sleeping with the lot of them.  Doesn't matter that three of the four are women.  Maybe I'm a closet dyke."  My voice had risen to a shout.

Picking up his suit jacket, Jeffrey stalked to the door to make his escape.

"What's the matter, Jeffrey?  Can't take the heat?  Got no balls to finish this?  I thought you were a very mature man," I mocked him.

Snorting, he drew back and threw his butt back on the bed.   "There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of maturity coming out of your mouth.  You think I don't know what you're up to?  Your indignation and resentment are facades.  With all that you've told me, you haven't yet confessed the biggie, have you?"  I have to give him credit.  He said this all with commendable calm.

My face was hot.  I was putting the gun to my head here and had no one to save me from myself.

"I already told you.  I know WHERE you work."  Jeffrey emphasized so I couldn't possibly mistake his meaning.

This time I swear my heart stopped beating.  Overcome, I laid my head back on the wall by the door. 

"You're damn right I followed you," he yelled back.  "I wasn't going to trust my heart to someone who took such pains to cover her tracks.  I've got two young children to protect.  What happens somewhere down the road if I wanted them to meet the woman I was involved with?  See I was already thinking of a future with you in it, but I don't play games when they're concerned."

He was thinking of a possible future with me?  He was thinking that long-term?  Meeting his kids?  I was totally stunned.

Reaching in his shirt pocket, he pulled out a business card and flicked it to me.

I knew what it would say on it.  

Aren't We Naughty
Your First Stop in Meeting Your Erotic Needs
The Store for Adults at Play
Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Closing my eyes, I blinked back the tears once more.

"You were really worried about me finding out about this one, right?"  He didn't wait for an answer.  "What if I told you, it's no big fucking deal?  So you work in a store that sells sex toys.  You think I've never stepped foot in one before?  You think most men haven't or women for that matter?"

I was too numb to respond and had slid down the wall to the floor.  The knowledge that he knew devastated me.

"Karen, we're adults here.  Let's act like it.  You've been down on your luck.  You took a job to make ends meet.  You don't think I can understand that?" 

You bet; he had got it in one.  I had been down on my luck when I first spotted the sign on the door of the shop advertising for help wanted.  Being shy hadn't even deterred me.  I was desperate for money.

He walked over and crouched down in front of me.  "Hey look at me."

When I did, I saw compassion and no condemnation.

But then I had to open my mouth and blurt out, "You didn't go all the way in did you, Jeffrey?  You know there's a little room at the back of the store which brings you into another section, which is really where I work."

Giving me a nonplussed look, he shook his head as if to say, would it make a difference?

"Jeffrey, allow me to clarify, I started as a retail clerk in the sex shop but then I got promoted and moved to the back.  

When I learned my fill about dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, anal beads, lubes, condoms, and pornos, I graduated to the heavy stuff."

Seeing his eyes narrow and a twitch in his jaw made me realize that he wasn't as completely unaffected as he wanted to seem about my occupation.  He was simmering at low burn.

I crawled on my hands and knees to where he was now sitting on the floor.  "Do you want to know what's in the back room?  It's called the The Dungeon.  In this room, you'll find everything you need to meet your kinkier needs.  S&M, domination and submission; it's all here.  We sell handcuffs, the real metal ones not the pussy fur-lined ones.  We sell leather wrist and ankle restraints, spreader bars, collars, leashes, ball gags, hoods, blindfolds, harnesses, rubber, vinyl, PVC, latex, chastity belts, cock rings, nipple clamps and those for the nether regions.

My boss is 21 years old, looks sixteen and has the sexual experience of a 45 year old cougar."

He had tucked his head down and was avoiding my gaze.  I think I had rendered him speechless.

"Is this a little too much detail for you?  You wanted to know everything about me.  How can you not want to know what I do for a living?

You see I help the customers choose their purchases.  I demonstrate the products for them.  On occasion, I've even been known to model for them.  There was the time I was used for a demonstration on Japanese rope bondage.  That would interest you, wouldn't it?  You're so deep into their culture. 

The dildos that we have back here range from 8" to a foot.  They're huge suckers.  Wouldn't want one of them shoved up me.  Then there's the vibrating vaginas.  Pretty scary. 

But we have double dongs now for both ends.  Imagine that!  I was so naïve when I first started.  I didn't know what half of this stuff was.  But I was a fast learner.  We have doctors' kits and enema bags.  Our biggest sellers are our penis pumps and enlargers.  You don't have to worry on that score, my friend.  I think you've got it covered."  My eyes shot down to his groin and I licked my lips obscenely.

Jeffrey's head shot up.  "Stop it!"  His look of disgust spoke eloquently of his feelings.

This was a man I could only push so far.  I ignored his tone of stony finality and continued to deliberately provoke him.

My face was flushed as red as his was.  "Why are you objecting?  It's just getting interesting.  You a little hot and bothered, Wigand?  Maybe you want a personal demonstration of the merchandise.  Do you know they have penis pasta flavored lubricants now?  Want to know what they taste like?"

"Stop trying to make yourself sound cheap and trampy.  It won't work with me."

"No?  Then I haven't done a good job?  That just won't do."  I bulldozed over his complaints.  "See this is my job.  It's what I'm good at.  I want to share it with you.  No point hiding anything any longer."

"You see I haven't even got to the discipline stuff.  You know for when your loved one gets out of line.  We have paddles, straps, canes, crops, and floggers. 

Do you know one day, this guy wanted to test drive this paddle on my ass to see if it stung enough?  Can you believe that sick fucker?"

Wigand looked enraged enough to want use said paddle on me right now.  

But I never do a half-assed job.  My humiliation had to be complete.

I spared him the details of the men who entered who thought I was easy prey because surely I must be in the scene.  They practically drooled and pawed at me as I showed them how the TENS unit (electrical stimulation) operated and how to set up some of the bondage furniture.

"Wait, I haven't shown you my uniforms yet?"  I sprang to my feet and ran to the closet throwing its doors open.

These are my every day ones.

This is the one that I wear for our monthly fetish nights.  A female Bud, eh?  Think he would like Marie in this little get-up? Not!

Oh and this is what I wore on Valentine' Day, a variation on the French Maid."

I balked at wearing the little school girl's outfit.  "You older gents really seem to go for that look."

When I said that, I swear if I had been a guy, I would have been laid out flat on the floor.

This time, I didn't stop him when he shot out of the bed, grabbed his jacket and sped out the door.

My head sunk to my knees.  

I was a wide open book now; no more secrets.  

The truth shall set you free. Why did I feel that it had buried me permanently and sealed the coffin shut?